My cats have ONE job in order to contribute to the household. Just ONE. And that job is to be the murderous, ferocious felines that they were born to be and kill any insect or spider that crosses their paths! My cats are failures.
**Cat sees spider crawling across the floor.**
Neko Cat thought: “Hmm…what is this?….I’ll touch it…. huh….it is still moving…I think I need treats.”
Buddy Cat thought: “What is that idiot, Neko, doing? Those crawly things taste like shit. I barfed one up earlier. I think we need some treats.”
And then I’m left to chase after and dispose of said spider. This happened several times in the past day. I can’t even figure out what kind of spiders these are, but they all match! They’re all in the same family, and apparently all out to get me!
I made the mistake of google imaging American Spiders to try to figure out the type I have running rampant. This was a poor decision, it turns out, because now I have creepy-crawly feelings all over my skin. **shudders**
What’s worse is that I couldn’t find the spider that resembled my new, little house creatures. This most likely means I have a BRAND NEW, NEVER BEFORE IDENTIFIED species of spider swarming into my house. They could potentially be DEADLY…or…they could potentially give me super powers so that I can have a 6-pack overnight and then subsequently swing around on tall buildings. I’m not sure which, but I’m still not keen on the idea of being bitten.
Then again…okay…spiders, you can bite me if you give me super powers! But only THEN is it okay! And do it while I’m sleeping…on some part of my body where it won’t hurt much. DON’T BITE MY CATS!! The last thing I need is my fat furr-balls flying around the air on little paw-webs. There’s no WAY I’d be able to hide the treats from them then! And could you imagine the mess they would make!?? There’d be furry webs EVERYWHERE! My place would end up looking like the cave of Shelob from LoTR!
DO YOU HEAR ME, MYSTERY ARACHNIDS??? YOU’D BETTER BE SUPER-SPIDERS OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!