Roller Skate Limbo

Do you guys remember the whole “Junior High Skating Rink” scene? Remember all the games they’d try to get everyone to play? I wasn’t bad at roller skating, but I tended to steer clear of those. I just knew better…I knew my limitations. 
The one game that sticks out in my memory most is Limbo. You always knew who was going to win, after just the first round. It was ALWAYS that fucking girl who could do the splits on skates. Yeah…..and STILL, everyone wanted to give it a whirl and play. I never understood that. I mean, seriously? You think CROUCHING, which puts you an entire foot higher than split-girl, is going to win it?? You think you have a CHANCE?? No. You just had to line up and HOPE that the split-girl wasn’t there. (It never worked out that way, though. She was ALWAYS there.) 
Or how about the kids who didn’t KNOW HOW to skate!? They’d tip-tap-tip-tap-tip-tap…
 
TIP TAP TIP TAP TIP TIP TIP….
 
TIP TIP TIP TIP TIP……….TAP……………….TIP…………………………………….CLUNK!
 
They’d be moving one INCH an hour, just to eventually knock the fucking stick to the ground and be called out in the very beginning. To the parents who made their youngsters give it a whirl when they KNEW their kid couldn’t skate, nice job on lowering THAT self-esteem!
Then there were the kids who refused to believe they’d been tagged out. It’d be obvious to EVERYONE that this kid touched the damn stick….and the person working the game would tell them to get off the rink with a little point of the finger. That kid’s thinkin’ “Nah……I’m getting back in line….WHADDYA GONNA DO!!??” Because, what COULD they do? Throw the seven year old kid out on the street? Ha! At the end of the game, it’d be THAT kid, and split-girl….and it’d go for ten more fucking rounds, while everyone else just stands around wondering when it was going to end!

Mondayne

Until I have another story to tell, the random ramblings will ensue.——————-

Here we are again. The first Monday of work for the year. So far, it hasn’t been horrible. I slept wrong and have a kink in my neck. I had a message about low tire pressure when I got into the freezing car this morning. Then, there was no coffee made when I arrived at work. Also, my phone is refusing to go into silent mode, so I have to keep headphones plugged into it at my desk so that my text sound is constantly dinging. It’s 8:15am.
The good things that have already happened: I remembered my 2016 Kitten calendar to hang at my desk, I’ve obtained an order for Girl Scout Thin Mints, AND a coworker of mine is STILL finding glitter from when I helped booby trap his desk over a week ago. It’s now 8:16am.
And then there are the ramblings:
~Holy shit!! I totally forgot that I have 3 Monsters in the refrigerator here at work!!! This Monday just got three times BETTER!!!!!!
~I think I might’ve just found my first gray hair. I’m not positive, because when I did a double glance in the mirror, it had already run off and hidden under my regular hairs. I’m sure it realizes that as soon as I find it, I shall PLUCK IT OUT and deny its existence!!! Or perhaps the lights were playing tricks on me, and it really doesn’t exist. I’ll hope for the latter.
~I emptied my shred box today. Good news: There were no sneak-attacks from scary spiders this time!
~It is taking EVERYTHING IN ME right now to NOT grab five bags of chips and eat them all! I have to give myself pep talks:
“Leah…you have an apple. It’s plenty. You don’t need the salty goodness of chips. Do you want to lose weight or not??”
“Well..yeah, but…”
“NO BUTS!”
“I can smell them…their smell is beckoning me.”
“NO, you can’t. You don’t have the nose of a hound dog. All those chips are packaged up and sealed. You can’t smell them.”
“Have you SEEN the size of my nose?? I mean seriously! It’s possible I’m smelling those chips. Something smells like potatoes and cheese and salt and Doritos!”
“NO…you aren’t smelling anything from that snack bar. You smell someone’s lunch, and it doesn’t even SMELL like any of that! It smells like fucking Microwave Asian Zing shit! That’s the smell of MSG and despair!!”
“I could have sworn that was Lays potatoes I smelled. I really wants Lays. I WANNA GET LAYS!”
“You don’t NEED to get Lays! Forget about it.”
“Yes, I do. I need to get Lays!”
“Use a different conjugation of that word, and you MIGHT be correct!”
“……..Heh….”

————————

~I’m back at my desk now. No Lays. Just a fucking apple.

Belated Rando

I know…it’s been a long time!
But, look…I have an excuse. It isn’t a good one, but it exists.
My right hand was in a splint for several weeks after breaking my finger. I could hardly type. When I DID type, it turned out like this:
 
POh HIP[! How are Yp987? I*_(J’ Been better…my lpo9feft puand is fucp98ikekd up, tho[809ough…
 
So, you can imagine the frustrations of any attempt of writing a blog. Even MORE annoying was trying to DRAW illustrations to go with future blogs. 
But NOW, my hand is free! I can do all the regular things—writing, drawing, typing, masterbating….
And if you’re wondering how I broke my finger….Umm…. you know that klutz factor I often mention?
Add alcohol…and concrete. The End.
So since it’s been awhile, I’m going to ease back into this thing with some randomness/my thoughts throughout the day:
-I shouldn’t listen to stand-up comedy while sitting at my desk, because it results in laughter-coffee spraying from my mouth onto my computer screen. 
-I just discovered I’ve been wearing my underwear inside out all day.
-I want Macaroni and Cheese so very badly right now, but all I have are M&M’s and no money.
-Is cat-hair breathable? Whether it is or not, I’m pretty sure I get more of that in my lungs than oxygen, because my cats seem to shed forever! No matter how much I sweep, when I look at my apartment’s air filter, there’s a thickness of probably 12 inches of just hair on there! Can a furnace catch fire due to two months of cat-hair buildup? I should probably teach my cats how to use fire extinguishers.  
-I should definitely teach my cats how to use fire extinguishers….and how to use a broom.

Left Turners…

There is not much rage that can compare to what I feel inside when I’m running late, driving to work, and am stuck at an intersection longer than necessary.  I’m not talking about a stop-light that stays red for too long (though I’m not a fan of those, either).  I’m talking about stupid, illiterate people.  Well…..not even THEM….just stupid assholes.  Because, when I have to wait at a light, watch it turn green, not move even a teensy bit, and then watch it turn red…..AGAIN….because some jerk wants to turn left at the intersection WHERE IT IS ILLEGAL TO DO SO, my fury builds to such proportions that I hope bad things happen to that person.  No, not a wreck or anything completely malicious..but something such as a policeman pulling them over for being a DINGUS!! (<– This word is courtesy of @alanaaanoel……Girl, you know why! *wink*)

This is not me, typically.  I don’t just wish bad things upon people…

But that’s the thing about rage….it sneaks up on you and turns you into something else.

Rage Left

Parking Spaces

This is about how I felt when my day began:

 

 

Parking Garage Post Pic 1 Happy Me

As you can easily see, I had all the possible happy things happening in those moments.

This lasted most of the morning, but then I had a visitor at my desk.  It was our security guard from downstairs who decided to give me a head’s up about my car…..

First, let’s rewind a bit:

Awhile back, my car had been dented by someone else’s while parked in my work building’s garage.  Unfortunately, by the time I arrived to my car, not only had the damage been done, but the offender had left.  There was nothing I could do about it.

Eventually, someone mentioned to me that level 4 of the parking garage didn’t have many parkers.  Not only that, but almost everyone parked on the lines, allowing only enough room for two cars between each set of pillars (instead of three), which also allowed plenty of space between said cars so that gigantic dents in the sides of vehicles could be completely avoided.

I began parking on level 4.  At first, I stayed within the lines of the parking space, out of habit.  But then….after time….I realized that almost everyone else parked on the lines!  There was plenty of room!  IT WAS UTTER FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!  Suddenly…I could do…..

ANYTHING…

Parking Garage Post Pic 2 Freedom Park

And so it was…that everything in the magic kingdom of Leah-Land was at peace and full of joy.

Then last week, as I mentioned, I had a visitor from our very kind-hearted security guard:

Parking Garage-Victor the Angel

He had come to warn me of some evil forces that had come to take away my freedom!

A certain group of females from a different floor in the building had begun to complain about people not parking in the lines, because, so they say, they couldn’t find a place to park!

Parking Garage-Evil Baishes

(This depiction is a complete guess, since I don’t know the witches’ names…)

I know what they were saying was bullshit, because I see places to park every day, even when I arrive late.  In fact, this is the EXACT view of the top floor of our parking garage:

Parking Garage- Level 5 pic

That’s level 5, and it looks like that EVERY FUCKING DAY.

Not only were the hag-beasts complaining, but they managed to compile a list.  A LIST!!!!  In other words, they spent their time walking around the garage and writing down every license plate of vehicles that were parked ON the lines.  (This includes almost EVERY car or truck, on the 4th floor.)  I have to say that someone has too much time on their hands…

Luckily, the warning given to me by the Security Guard afforded me the ability to avoid being banned from the garage.

Unfortunately, the freedom I had was ripped away.

Maybe I’ll start parking on level 5…..ON THE LINES!!!!!!

Because then I win. *grin*

Morning Schmorning!!!

Typical Morning…

3:00am

“No…..that clock has to be wrong. I think I’ve only been asleep an hour, and it’s still dark outside. It’s not 7:00am”

**Checks phone. Realizes cat has changed time on clock. Fixes time.**

3:30am

“Neko…no…you already have food. You don’t NEED water from the faucet. You have fucking ice water in your bowl. NO, CAT!”

3:45am

“Cat…stop walking on the alarm clock and forcing it to make sounds.  Stop it. FINE…more foods for you…now go away….”

**Drags ass out of bed to give cat more food. Fetches self glass of ice water, and is forced to share it with mewing cats.**

5:30am

“Why are alarms so loud?”

**Presses Snooze.**

6:00am

“But I’m having a dream!!”

**Presses snooze again.**

6:30am

“Damn it, I want to finish this dream!”

**Presses snooze for third time.**

7:00am

**Dreams of getting up and readying self for work.**

**Assumes sitting position to turn off alarm, which has been blaring for 10 minutes straight.**

“Shit! Why aren’t I dressed?? That dream wasn’t real?! I’m going to be late!”

**Darts out of bed, brushes teeth, jumps into shower.**

7:05am

**Debates on shaving while in shower—decides NO time.**

7:20am

**Awakes after falling asleep while standing in shower—exits shower.**

7:25am

**Dries hair halfway, throws on clothes, runs out door.**

7:30am

**Runs back into house for car-keys…and back out again.**

7:32am

**Runs back to house to lock the door, and back to car again.**

7:35am

**Cusses out every single driver in traffic while applying makeup using rear-view mirror.**

**Cusses out every red stoplight.**

8:10am

**Can’t get parking garage gate to open—reverses, drives, reverses, drives—until in EXACT SPOT for gate sensor to read sticker on car and OPEN.**

8:15am

**Curses slow elevator.**

8:18am

**Arrives at desk late…drinks all the coffee.**

To the People In My Phone: SSsshhh….Be Still. This Won’t Hurt a Bit…

Imagine the softest, most lush grass you’ve ever seen. Think about how you just want to step onto it with bare feet and feel it cushion around your toes. Then realize that lush grass isn’t real, because it was just regular grass with a filter on it and posted onto social media–a dream, a thought, a wish…not real.

I realize that is an exaggerated example of how unreal social media can be, because I know that lush grass exists in places. But looking at a picture doesn’t get me any closer to it. If I were a cow, I’d be so damn pissed, because that grass LOOKED SO FREAKIN’ SOFT AND DELICIOUS!!!!

I understand the need for and use of devices such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. It’s to share! Share all the moments, the joys, the sadness, the thoughts, and the memories. But, I think that often times we forget just how unreal it all is. Anyone can convey any persona he or she wants on social media. People sometimes end up yearning to live in someone else’s life, because they see what is posted and fantasize what it must be like. Reality is harsher and not candy-coated, but at least it’s real.

Sometimes, those feelings of “wanting” creep up on us without the realization of it even dawning on us. “Look how happy they are! Why can’t I be that happy? Why can’t I eat THAT cheesecake? Why aren’t my eyes as blue as hers? Why can’t I make dinner look so fucking pretty!!??”

Reality check: You CAN be happy and do all those things. Find your happiness…your REAL contentment! That, in itself, is a joyful thought!

What I’m saying is nothing new. Many people have said it before, and others will repeat it after me, and yet, we still all have a hard time realizing that concept as truth.

As for me…honestly…..I enjoy social media. I’m not knocking it completely. I see the values and the good parts of it. I see how the idea of it is good. BUT, sometimes I realize it is a distraction. I find myself thinking, “Oh! I should take a photo of that to post!” or “That’s funny—I should post that onto my Twitter or onto my FB Status!” or even “This should be on my snapstory!!” and “Hello, Instagram…..I have more foods for you!!!!!!!” instead of just looking at a moment and enjoying it as it is, through my real eyes, keeping it in my real memory…..not through a filtered lens or in the memory of my phone.

After awhile, I have begun to RELY on the memory of that picture saved onto my phone. My brain decides there’s no need for me to remember these things on my own, because I have it documented online. (“OH HI! I’m Leah’s brain! I don’t have to remember anything, because internet remembers ALL THE THINGS!!! What did I do last week?? Hang on..let me ask internet….”) I wonder if that’s part of the reason my memories over the past several years have been more fuzzy than they were before the crutch of social media. Well that…plus alcohol, probably. Ha!

Aside from the sharing, I also see the value in social media in order to network. It is necessary to do this if you’re someone like me. I’m in a band, trying to get its name out there so that more people attend my shows. I write a blog, and try to put that out there so that my readers might increase. Then, there are so many others…photographers, musicians/various artists, salesmen/saleswomen…all of them use this outlet, because the whole “in order to sell your product/talent, you have to sell yourself” concept becomes easier with social networking. And, some may say that nowadays, it is a necessity; I cannot disagree with that.

Again, in writing this, I’m not anti-social media. I enjoy it (too much?)……The other day, I sat at home, thinking about how I wanted to learn a certain song on piano. Instead of going into the next room and sitting down at my keyboard to figure it out, I was distracted by Facebook…which led to time lost…and then led to “Ah well, it’s too late, so I’ll just watch TV”. The next day, I had this epiphany.

It dawned on me how many things I COULD have done, COULD have worked on, COULD have achieved…but didn’t….because time and time again, I let distractions of things that were, in hindsight not that important, get in the way. The biggest distraction—internet stuffs on my phone.

In fact, I would guess that most people who began reading this have probably not even gotten to this point in this post, because it’s a lengthy blog that does not offer laughter, as most of my writings usually do. I believe we are all more easily distracted now.

THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME SO MANY TIMES!! And it is my own fault, really. I recognize that, too.

If you’ve made it all the way through this blog, my friend, I applaud you– You are not as easily distracted as me.

I’ll be deleting the social media app’s from my phone for awhile. “ Awhile” could be a couple days, a week, a couple months, or longer. I don’t know how long……..but Hey! I’ll still be blogging. *grin*