Here’s one of the bad things about having a few more than just a few beers on any given night: 

The next day, I crave junk food.

 (Side note:  I can justify drinking some beer last night ON A WEEK NIGHT (gasp!) with a mere few words: Anchorman Quote-Along.)

My healthy snacks/foods that I brought to work with me taste like poop.  I literally took one bite of my protein pancake, chewed for a few seconds, and then spit it out, back into the sandwich bag. (Yes, I looked all around first to make sure no one witnessed this first hand.) 

  Then I choked down my healthy home-made granola bar instead.  I think I hate raisins again.  And they’re almost IMPOSSIBLE to pick out of these granola bars.  It results in crumbs all over the place and sticky fingers.

Anyways…it is not ALL junk food that I crave.  I merely require ALL THE SALT AND ALL THE GREASE OF THE WORLD!!!!  This would explain why I am shoveling Lay’s potato chips into my mouth at an alarming speed, and before 11:00am, no less.  Not only will I rapid-fire each chip into my mouth, but I fully intend on

dumping the small particle contents from the bottom corner of the foil-lined sack (The most sodium-packed, greasy land of the whole inside of the bag!!) into my mouth!  down my throat! inside my pie-hole! (oh F— all THAT. Insert some innuendo here!)

eating all the crumbs!!

Anyone passing by my desk—beware!  If you come too close, I will assume you’re trying to steal my salty snack, and I might snarl and bite you.  Who doesn’t get territorial over their food when they’re ravenous??? Am I right?  Of course I am.

Now, I want Cheez Its.