Three Things… #leahwouldramble


One of the scariest moments is that “Snap out of it/wake up; How did I get here?” moments!  Pretty sure I experienced nine or ten of them just this morning…while driving.  I snap into reality, and “OH! Curb!”…then swerve to miss it…..drift off…snap back, “Yikes! Yellow lines!”…swerve…drift…and so on and so on….nothing could wake me up while driving!!  It was awful!

  I blame Monday.



Ever notice that when you start to choke on something, you get a sudden hot flash?  I’m assuming this is some kind of defense mechanism.  I only mention it because I tried to choke on carrot pieces a few minutes ago.



As a little girl growing up, it took a little while for me to get into the habit of checking the toilet paper roll before sitting onto the porcelain throne and doing my business.  Rarely do I make this mistake at my age now, but back then, there were a few times that created enough grief to cause this habit to generate itself.  A few general instances:

The “Two-Square Dilemma”:  This is where you’re done letting the trickle out, and when you look at where the toilet paper SHOULD be, you find a mere 2-3 squares of the stuff at your disposal.  When I first experienced this, it was the first time in my life I took an interest in origami.  You can just IMAGINE the “swans” I had to fold in order to finish  my restroom experience!

The “Roll’s Demise”:    This little gem is where there are not even 2-3 squares of paper to work with! Again, after the inevitable trickle of little-girl pee, a glance at the spot for TP has now created a cause for alarm.   I will admit now that this was a desperate time for me, as a child, to have to endure.  I did what was necessary.  Yes.  I used the cardboard.  It is surprisingly more absorbent than one may assume.  (I now try to keep Kleenex at our toilet at home so that my step-daughter will not chance ever needing to experience this.)

The “Lost Not Found”: This is where you look at the toilet paper roll’s home, and find that the entire roll, paper and cardboard included, has vanished into mid-air!  Or perhaps it ran away out of protest.  (I wouldn’t blame it if it did, because honestly…would you want to stick around if you KNEW people were merely going to rub piss/shit on you?)  AT this point, if you can’t holler to anyone nearby, you’re fucked.  You might as well get used to the fact that you’re going to be bouncing on the seat to let any loose liquid fall, and then walk with your pants around your ankles, butt up in the air, to the nearest place where TP can be found. (I sincerely hope that where it can be found at this point isn’t the store!)

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