All I wanted to do was eat my apple in peace. I even remembered to grab a paper towel from the kitchen so that I wouldn’t end up with a sticky, juicy mess all over my desk and documents.

Is it too much to ask—to eat my apple with no mishaps?

Apparently, it is.

My first bite ended with a piece of apple-peel stuck between my teeth. This wouldn’t normally be a problem, since I keep those flosser tooth-picks at my desk.

But those were gone, used up, completely missing from my current desk life.
A few more bites, and surely that piece would work its way out, right?

Wrong…

Well fine…I can deal with that until my apple is gone…..but what is this?

My eye!

My contact has decided to do flip-flops and summersaults, INSIDE OF MY EYE!

In an attempt to control its hijinks, I reach up with a finger to gently touch it and push it back onto my eye, so that it can suction itself to its rightful spot.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t realize that I had apple juice on that finger. I was so distracted by the apple peel wedged forever in my MOUTH, that it never even OCCURRED to me that the apple basically bled all over my hand.

IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU’RE DYING, APPLE!!! I DIDN’T PICK YOU!! I merely adopted you…to eat you and your flesh!!

“Apple blood” inside an eyeball feels horrible, especially when the contact that remains in that eye is continuing to do somersaults.

It’s not even noon yet, and the fruit world has decided to wage war on me!

And believe me…those bastards fight dirty!