All I wanted this morning was to peacefully read my book while drinking coffee on the front porch.

It was not to be…

Recently, my boyfriend and I have noticed wasps getting between the front door and screen door. Those little jerks keep trying to build their nest in there. We are not sure how they keep getting in.

Yesterday evening, when the beloved pizza I had ordered was dropped off on my porch, I opened the main door to retrieve said deliciousness. I came face to face AGAIN with a wasp buzzing within the doors! I slammed the door shut, quickly, and ran to the kitchen to find a “weapon”. I marched back to the front door, opened it, and battled the flying, stupid stinger-face with a can of Lysol. IT DIDNT KILL IT!!! At least, not right away—the fucker flew off like “no big deal”. I think it had a smirk on its face.

So, of course I felt trepidatious this morning while approaching the front door, but as I peeked out of the very slightly opened cracked, there was no evil bug to be found. Breathing a sigh of relief, I grabbed a chair to set up outside. (I seriously need to invest in some outdoor furniture.) Then, I entered the house to procure my book and coffee, and stepped back onto the porch, then nestled into my chair, ready to enjoy the morning’s fresh air and bird sounds.

As you can probably guess, this was a short-lived peace…

With the possibility of wasps still in the back of my mind, I was wary of any buzzing sound I heard. This felt like the opposite of relaxation. I had hoped that wasps are creatures that like to sleep in. If I were an evil insect, I would prefer to do my dastardly deeds under the cover of night and sleep away the sunrise!

There was suddenly a very loud buzzing that flew past my ear! NOPE!!! That’s all I needed to scuffle back inside to my couch! If ONLY it was that simple…

I stood up, still holding my very full cup of coffee and my book, and headed towards the door—the entrance to my stinger-free kingdom! Before I could even reach for the knob of the screen door, a bee was circling me. This is okay, because bees are important insects—not evil ones who sting without cause. Pretty sure the cute, little thing was merely interested in my coffee, which had been sweetened with copious amounts of creamer. So for a moment, I froze, until the yellow fuzzy butt lost interest and flew away.

Okay…the buzzing I had heard was just a bee. Phew! I relaxed and decided I would still head indoors to avoid the risk of becoming a hub of coffee nectar for any other curious insects. I opened the screen door…

BAM!!! HUGE FUCKING WASP JUST WAITING FOR ME!! He tricked me!! He wanted me to think all was safe when NOOOOOOOO!!!! I swear that smirk was still on its face.

Of course, I immediately proceeded to splash all of my coffee onto the porch while letting out a yelp and slammed the door shut, putting the screen between this wasp and the world! I NEVER ASKED FOR A STINGING SENTINEL TO GUARD MY KINGDOM!

Any onlookers to this situation would have seen a girl with still messy bed head hair, who was still wearing her pajamas, fling her coffee to the world while screaming and then run to the side of the house like some sort of mental case. Thank goodness no one saw…I don’t think.

Luckily, Justin heard the commotion and immediately answered my frantic pounding on the side door.

The wasp still guards my door. My dining room chair still sits outside on the front porch.

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