“Roaches Crunch” #leahwouldramble

A recent conversation, AND a recently viewed episode of “Kitchen: Impossible” has reminded me of my LOATHING for roaches.  Even now, as I write this, I feel the little “tickles” of invisible bugs crawling on my skin.  There are several insects I don’t care for, including wasps, bumblebees, ants…but MOST OF ALL—roaches.  Sure those other insects cause pain, but the roach exceeds that discomfort with “disgustingness”!  (I am discounting any crazy, tropical, man-eating bugs from any rainforest, etc. I don’t ever plan on encountering ANY of those.)


Thing is….in our old house when I was about seven or eight years old, there was a tree in the backyard that was infested with these:  http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.dirtdoctor.com/pics/content_img.4012.img.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.dirtdoctor.com/Cockroaches_vq710.htm&h=1298&w=1944&sz=449&tbnid=HEDPyMJahxqXyM:&tbnh=81&tbnw=122&zoom=1&usg=__fuJ2gl8rjQLuRErxJ4L0Sywn6g4=&docid=pIYKgDXyzrNURM&sa=X&ei=MbKbUejNPJGx4AO9ioDACA&ved=0CDsQ9QEwAA&dur=286



They’re actually a water bug/some sort of oriental roach…whatever….they’re all disgusting cockroaches to me!!! SO…since this tree was infested, naturally, they made their way to our house….mainly to the basement….which is where my bedroom happened to be. SO…it was a fairly frequent occurrence, before having that tree removed at least, to smash these bugs when I saw them…in my bedroom…bathroom…play area in basement, etc. It REALLY grossed me out because not only did it often take 5-10 stomps to kill the little sons-of-bugbitches, they would also have the most disgusting guts ooze out of their bodies….EVEN when they were still crawling around after a couple stomps!! Like a rotten curd of cottage cheese sticking out of its side as it limps along!  **SHUDDERS**


UGH……and the CRUNCH noise…..ICK!!!!!! The sound makes me want to vomit RIGHT HERE AND NOW.


Seriously….makes me feel sick! (Side note: my brothers would taunt me at dinnertime, saying “Roaches crunch!” maliciously, so that I’d get that ‘visual/sound’ in my head, and I could/would not eat!)


Well there’s the background…I’m already grossed out by these vermin…and then….


One day, we’re moving boxes, etc. around in the basement, just doing some re-organizing, spring cleaning…that sort of thing. After a bit of this, I walk into my bedroom to take a break…I keep feeling a tickle on my back/shoulders….and finally I reach to scratch the offending spot, AND KNOCK A ROACH OFF MY BACK!!!!


I instantaneously start screaming, stomping, and jumping up and down like crazy.  ….AND continually swiping at my back in case millions have found a way to hide from me back there!!!  Millions of roaches on my back! I KNOW they’re there! I KNOW IT! I CAN FEEEEEL THEMMMM!!!! GET THEM OOOFFFFFFF! AAAAAAAAAAHHH!




I reserve the right to forever stay out of the unfinished part of that damn basement!


Fast forward…I don’t know how long…maybe a month or two.


I have a fish-tank next to the front wall of my room, and it puts off enough light that I can make out most objects in my bedroom at night. (Yah; you know what’s coming.)


 As I lie in my bed comfortably, happy..sleepy…nice……JUUUUST drifting off to sleep, I see it—a menacing figure.  It crawls into my vision….A mere six inches from my FACE, it’s a roach crawling in my BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




 I leap out of bed!!!! (This is NO exaggeration!! I could have touched the ceiling with this jump.)  Immediately having lost sight of the little creepy-crawly slime-ball, I strip all the sheets and blankets off my bed, and toss them to the floor with all of my force!


 Where is it; where is it; WHERE IS IT???????????


I start swiping franticly on my back, shoulders, everywhere!  What if it’s ON me!!! EWW!!!  I’m doing that same dance I mentioned earlier.  I’m stomping all the sheets and blankets as if they, themselves, are insects in NEED of DEATH! 


Then I stand back from my bed, dumbfounded…looking around my entire room, expecting insects to begin pouring from the ceiling in full-on attack mode!  I glance over the floor, back and forth, poring over every nook, every cranny, every misplaced book or toy where a roach can hide, but all the while, I am frozen in place.  Everything is silent. If this were a horror movie, (and it certainly felt like one) this would be the part where the giant ghost cockroach sneaks down from the ceiling to the unassuming victim and SUCKS ALL HER BRAINS OUT before she even knows what HIT her!!!!!


I never found it….NEVER…..FOUND….THE ROACH!!!


For all I know, it’s still living comfortably in my head after crawling into my ear that night, and is using my brain as its snack day by day!!!!!!


I fucking hate roaches……….HATE THEM.


4 thoughts on ““Roaches Crunch” #leahwouldramble

  1. When I lived in the City Market, I had a female neighbor named Sarah. She was always “done up” when I saw her & seemed like she really had her shit together. Pleasant & polite.

    She comes by one night to tell me that she’s moving & that it was nice getting to know me. I wish her well & don’t see her again. I never expected what happened next…

    Flash to 2 weeks later. I rise from sleep to pee around 4am (had drank). As I’m going, I notice a reflection catching my peripheral from the floor. I look down to see the biggest cockroach I’ve ever seen! So large in fact, it had eyes drawn on it’s shell to deter prey, which freaked me out!!! Fortunately, it was already dead. But I had apparently already stepped on it at some point! The same cottage cheese like guts, just like you described, were squirted all over my bath mat!

    I immediately panic…how…my place isn’t THAT dirty…I’m a bachelor, living in a studio…but even my lesbian friends say it’s one of the cleanest “guy” dwellings they’ve hung out at?!?…..

    I go to work the next day, dumbfounded. I get home from work & right when I enter the security doors to my building, the smell hits me. I also notice what can only be described as drag marks from the elevators to the doors. I exit the 4th, turn the corner & immediately notice Sarah’s former apt door is open slightly. I hear a familiar voice; it’s Chris, the maintenance man. I open the door.

    There is newspapers, mail, packaging, anything you can imagine, piled up almost 2 feet high throughout the entire apt!!! You couldn’t see the floor, anywhere!?

    From the edge of the bathtub, it only dropped a half-inch to the trash, no exaggeration.

    Floored (pun intended), I look at Chris. He has Hazmat gear on. He pulls his mask off. I say, “Dude, Sarah?!?” Chris just shakes his head & replies, “Can you believe it, man. Even the pretty ones got a screw loose I guess. I would’ve never guessed.”

    I shared that sentiment. I was also told they charged her $2,400 to completely replace the entire interior.

    So it wasn’t me! I was so relieved. And impressed with the “new” place next door, I ended up leasing it for 4 yrs, right after my friends Scott & Nancy lived there for a year. It had 3 huge bay windows facing downtown after all. And I never saw a roach again…

    Sadly, I saw her at a pool about a year later. I was cordial & didn’t mention it. But I also decided I wasn’t getting in the water after that.

    ROACHES ARE SO SICK!!! Your tale reminded of that nightmare. I hope you never see another one.

    1. Oh WOW!!! I would NEVER want to share an apartment building with a hoarder! YIKES!!! And a roach THAT big?? I think I’d faint! Thank you for sharing your story!!!

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