It looked innocent…but then again, most sinister things do.
The thing was merely a “shred box”. In other words, a medium sized box where I throw any excess papers away throughout the months. These papers/unneeded documents, etc build up until the box is full. At that time, I tote my box over to the shred bin, deposit all the papers, and return to my desk with a new, empty box, ready to be filled by future shred-ables.
I was halfway through the stacks of papers, grabbing them by the handful, and plunging them into the slot of the bin. I have so many papers, that this chore generally takes 5-7 minutes. As I lifted a stack of papers, movement caught my eye. It was the size of a pencil eraser…and it had LEGS!
“WHAT THE FUCK!!! A SPIDER!!!!??? ACK!!!”
Of course my automatic reaction was to smash it with my handheld papers, and then jump back about three feet! I probably appeared as though I was performing some sort of backwards hopscotch….in the middle of the office! I glanced around.
Luckily, no one had noticed my little dance.
That little fucker! Not only was it hiding in my box of papers, but IT WAS WHITE!! It had adapted to blend in and practically disappear amongst the papers!!! What kind of spider is that???? It can only be some sort of breed that lives in offices!!! AN OFFICE SPIDER!!
Immediate, I began to feel itchy all over. I proceeded with caution, because for all I know, I just killed a spider-mom, and its little office spider babies were poised, ready to exact their revenge!
I began lifting up smaller piles of paper to deposit into the bin, still paying close attention to any sort of strange movement. After 5-6 of these stacks were thrown into the bin, I began to relax.
I look to my right and see Greg walking past with a bag of Cheetos. He gave a smile that said, “Heh, don’t tell anyone I’m eating these.” I gave a nervous grin back that he probably thought meant, “Your secret is safe with me.” when it ACTUALLY was silently saying, “Stay back! I’ve opened an office portal to HELL.”
I began to lift another set of papers….
THAT’S WHEN THE SECOND WHITE OFFICE-SPIDER LEAPED OUT FROM UNDER A PIECE OF PAPER, LANDED ON THE SIDE OF THE BOX AND BEGAN TO RUN UP THE WALL OF THE IT! The Office-Hell-Spider was so quick, it made it up and over the edge!
I knew it was either HIM or ME, so I took the papers in my hand, rolled them up furiously and began beating the side of the box until I knew he was smashed into oblivion!
I glanced around again, with a crazed look in my eyes. No one had seen my ridiculous display of utter bravery, though I’m sure someone had heard it. They heard it….and they knew better than to come around. They KNEW…there was danger lurking…..
I peered into the box, rolled papers still in hand, and fervently searched for any more of the vengeful spawn of Satan, ready and willing to kill! My eyes shone with madness. It occurred to me that may need help, so I decided to recruit backup. I could ask Kyle!! He used to be a marine, after all! He’s better suited for this sort of shit! So, I quickly walked over to his desk…
“THERE ARE SPIDERS IN MY BOX!!!!”
He just chuckled at me, and that’s when I noticed he was on the phone.
I had no help. This was all on me. I had to finish this damn job of emptying the shred box, and should any more perils come my way, it would be up to ONLY ME to fight them off!!!!
Shuddering, I continued…this time, lifting single pieces of paper at a time. I held my breath the entire time, and jumped back a couple times, too, when shadows took the resemblance of white spiders! But I forged ahead….and completed my task!
The evil army of office-spider-demons had retreated. Until next time…