I swear, there was murder in its eyes—all eight of its eyes lusted for my blood. I didn’t see him at first, but I could feel that evil gaze as soon as I walked into my bedroom. I had just exited the shower and my only goal was to dry my hair in peace. As I reached for the hair-dryer, I glanced something dark and sinister in my peripheral vision. It was above me, on the wall—the most fuzzy, black arachnid I had ever seen! He wasn’t gigantic, but he was formidable in size enough so that I jumped back in terror. Staring directly at me, he began to move across the wall in my direction. He was either murderous, completely pervy, or BOTH!
It was decision time! This spider had to go! I grabbed a shoe…but then I stopped. If I smacked at this thing and missed, it would merely fall to the floor, and would land directly in my open bins full of makeup, etc. At that point, he could potentially escape into the mess of things, recuperate, and then carry out his revenge on me later as I slept!
What were my other options? He was too high on the wall for me to try to catch him and release him to the wild. I could have gone to the next room to grab some sort of bug spray with which I could attack him, but I was afraid that if I turned my back at all, he would escape and hide from me, while of course plotting my demise. My contemplations increased, and I began to panic.
This is the instant, that crucial turning point, where the boyfren walked into my house. That moment looked like this:
He walked up to my bedroom door (unbeknownst to me) and peered in, puzzled, to find that I was standing there stark naked, holding one shoe like a baseball about to be pitched, but frozen in place, staring up at the wall, and yelling at my cats, “Why don’t you two do your jobs?? Why can’t you track down and kill the spiders?? YOU HAVE ONE RESPONSIBILITY IN THIS HOUSE BESIDES LICKING YOUR ASSHOLES, AND THAT IS TO KILL THE CREEPY/CRAWLY THINGS!!!”
With poise and ease, Justin grabbed a Kleenex, and disposed of the murderous perv-spider. JUST LIKE THAT! As if it was a simple gesture!
Now…I simply wait for the spider’s family to avenge his death. They always do. (Isn’t this like the tenth blog I’ve written about spiders????)