Tag Archives: #leahwouldblog

Evil Lurks

I swear, there was murder in its eyes—all eight of its eyes lusted for my blood. I didn’t see him at first, but I could feel that evil gaze as soon as I walked into my bedroom.  I had just exited the shower and my only goal was to dry my hair in peace.  As I reached for the hair-dryer, I glanced something dark and sinister in my peripheral vision.  It was above me, on the wall—the most fuzzy, black arachnid I had ever seen!  He wasn’t gigantic, but he was formidable in size enough so that I jumped back in terror.  Staring directly at me, he began to move across the wall in my direction.  He was either murderous, completely pervy, or BOTH!

It was decision time! This spider had to go!  I grabbed a shoe…but then I stopped.  If I smacked at this thing and missed, it would merely fall to the floor, and would land directly in my open bins full of makeup, etc.  At that point, he could potentially escape into the mess of things, recuperate, and then carry out his revenge on me later as I slept!

What were my other options? He was too high on the wall for me to try to catch him and release him to the wild.  I could have gone to the next room to grab some sort of bug spray with which I could attack him, but I was afraid that if I turned my back at all, he would escape and hide from me, while of course plotting my demise.  My contemplations increased, and I began to panic.

This is the instant, that crucial turning point, where the boyfren walked into my house. That moment looked like this:

He walked up to my bedroom door (unbeknownst to me) and peered in, puzzled, to find that I was standing there stark naked, holding one shoe like a baseball about to be pitched, but frozen in place, staring up at the wall, and yelling at my cats, “Why don’t you two do your jobs?? Why can’t you track down and kill the spiders?? YOU HAVE ONE RESPONSIBILITY IN THIS HOUSE BESIDES LICKING YOUR ASSHOLES, AND THAT IS TO KILL THE CREEPY/CRAWLY THINGS!!!”

With poise and ease, Justin grabbed a Kleenex, and disposed of the murderous perv-spider. JUST LIKE THAT!  As if it was a simple gesture!

My hero!

Now…I simply wait for the spider’s family to avenge his death. They always do.  (Isn’t this like the tenth blog I’ve written about spiders????)

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Morning Schmorning!!!

Typical Morning…

3:00am

“No…..that clock has to be wrong. I think I’ve only been asleep an hour, and it’s still dark outside. It’s not 7:00am”

**Checks phone. Realizes cat has changed time on clock. Fixes time.**

3:30am

“Neko…no…you already have food. You don’t NEED water from the faucet. You have fucking ice water in your bowl. NO, CAT!”

3:45am

“Cat…stop walking on the alarm clock and forcing it to make sounds.  Stop it. FINE…more foods for you…now go away….”

**Drags ass out of bed to give cat more food. Fetches self glass of ice water, and is forced to share it with mewing cats.**

5:30am

“Why are alarms so loud?”

**Presses Snooze.**

6:00am

“But I’m having a dream!!”

**Presses snooze again.**

6:30am

“Damn it, I want to finish this dream!”

**Presses snooze for third time.**

7:00am

**Dreams of getting up and readying self for work.**

**Assumes sitting position to turn off alarm, which has been blaring for 10 minutes straight.**

“Shit! Why aren’t I dressed?? That dream wasn’t real?! I’m going to be late!”

**Darts out of bed, brushes teeth, jumps into shower.**

7:05am

**Debates on shaving while in shower—decides NO time.**

7:20am

**Awakes after falling asleep while standing in shower—exits shower.**

7:25am

**Dries hair halfway, throws on clothes, runs out door.**

7:30am

**Runs back into house for car-keys…and back out again.**

7:32am

**Runs back to house to lock the door, and back to car again.**

7:35am

**Cusses out every single driver in traffic while applying makeup using rear-view mirror.**

**Cusses out every red stoplight.**

8:10am

**Can’t get parking garage gate to open—reverses, drives, reverses, drives—until in EXACT SPOT for gate sensor to read sticker on car and OPEN.**

8:15am

**Curses slow elevator.**

8:18am

**Arrives at desk late…drinks all the coffee.**

Protest is Afoot!

I intended to wear my new heels today. It’s not like they were anything special, just a regular pair of black heels, but I needed to start breaking them in. My morning began a little later than I anticipated, so needless to say, I was in a bit of a rush. One of the final tasks in my mornings is to put on my shoes before I dash out the door. I place the first of my new shoes on my foot and am pleased at how well it fits. Then I pick up a second shoe, intent on putting it on, when I realize it was not the match. It’s similar, hence the reason it was sitting next to this one, but it was NOT my new shoe’s mate!!

I began frantically searching, and to my dismay, I could NOT find the second heel!! I panicked. I looked under the bed, under the clothes I had strewn onto the floor, and then I began to throw other shoes across the room, continuing my hunt. I was already late! After a full minute of panic-mode, I found the shoe’s mate buried under several other heels, and throw it on my foot.

And thus began my new shoes’ revenge….

After strolling into work an hour late, due to the unforeseen misplacement of my car’s key-fob (That’s another story.), I take a seat at my desk.

All is well with my feet for most of the day, but then, the tell-tale signs of “new heels” began to show on the sides of my feet. The skin was being rubbed raw in the same places where it often rubs while wearing new shoes. I assumed I could make it through one day without this happening, but I really should know better than to assume shit at this point.

It was no matter! I had band-aids in my overhead compartment at my desk. The somewhat fun (yet in this case, unfortunate) fact about my band-aids here is that they have pictures of giant mustaches on them. So it was then that my feet each had their own mustaches.

What I discovered, when I arose to walk to the break room, however, was that the rubbing of the shoe onto the glossy finish of the band-aid created an extremely loud creaking noise. EVERY STEP, my feet were declaring,

“Creak..creak…creak…squeak…I’m fuckin loud…everyone watch me walk…Yes, I almost fell…fuck you, too…squeak…creak…creak….creak….quit looking at me…yes I hear the noise….pretend you don’t hear it…quit being rude!! ….creak….creak…”

I should have known from the start that these shoes did not WANT to be worn today.

Morning Gift

This morning, I awoke to find a little “present” from my cats. I imagine that when this happened, it went down something like this:

Neko (In Brooklyn accent): Yo…hey, Buddy….look! Look at her sleepin’! We didn’t even get any TREATS today. What’s you say we show her a thing or two about that, eh? She won’t wake up. Got any ideas?

Buddy (In Stoner Voice): Yah, Man….I ain’t had any catnip for like..uh…for like weeks, Man. We should do something to get her attention.

Neko: Yeah, Yeah….but what we gonna do. Knockin shit off her nightstand isn’t doing it. Chewing on her bedside lamp’s not doin’ it either. Today, you know what she did? She hid those jars of change in a drawer so I couldn’t knock it over…can you believe that?! I thought that shit was sitting there for MY playtime pleasure.

Buddy: Uh…yah…she won’t let me drink out of her glasses any more unless she’s watching me, Brah…no fun, Man….no fun. I do have an idea, Man.

Neko: Give it to me.

Buddy: When I get all like….angry or some shit at her, I like to barf on the floor, ya know?

Neko: Yah, I seen that…it’s kinda wrong….I don’t like the smell…but hey…whateva ya gotta do, right?

Buddy: Right..and uh…well she just started cleaning it up and getting used to it, so I stopped for awhile, cuz…ya know….it wasn’t doin’ anything for me but makin’ me feel bad….

Neko: Uh huh…?

Buddy: You know those shoes we like to chew on when she isn’t watchin’ us, Dude?

Neko: Yah…What about ‘em?

Buddy: Let’s go yack in ‘em, Man! When she finds those, she’ll KNOW we’re pissed off and be like, bound to do anything we command after that, right?

Neko: I can see your point….Go ahead. I’ll supervise.

And so, I didn’t get to wear today’s heels, as planned. Thanks, Guys……thanks.

Random Brain Stuff

Sometimes, my brain wanders to places throughout the day. It isn’t normal…..
———————————————————–

I could definitely take a nap right now. But just because I can, doesn’t mean I will. Unfortunately, a hard desk doesn’t really make the best pillow. Not only that, but if I end up drooling in my sleep, it’d form a pool on my desk, and I would probably not notice it at first. Then, I’d end up sliding a paper across my desk, no doubt something of extreme importance, and it would soak up all of the spit. The document would be ruined, and I would have to explain why I needed a duplicate.
“Sorry, Boss…I drooled all over this one by accident. Could you please give me another one so I can try again?”
——————————————————–

I have unopened, plastic utensils at my desk. There is a fork and a knife. I’m trying to remember where they came from. Most of the time, these things are packaged together. Spoon, Fork, and Knife are a family with little salt and pepper packet babies, all nestled in their plastic wrapping, alongside the soft side of a napkin.
But these utensils…the ones on my desk…they are different. They were each packaged separately. Did the plastic-ware family get a divorce? The salt and pepper packets either ran away or grew up and moved out of the home….or got eaten. Now THAT would suck….but then again, they would have died while serving their whole life’s purpose. It is just too bad they were so young….so innocent……so salty. And where the hell is the spoon?? Probably off, forking around all over town! Slutty spoon…

I Talk to Myself Every Day

A conversation I had today with myself inside my head:

There’s ice cream in the fridge.

No…No you DON’T want it. You just ate Funyons!!

There may be mint chip in there. It would freshen my Funyon breath. I have no more gum. I should eat the ice cream to spare others in the office from smelling my mouth.

No one is going to smell your mouth. You’re sitting in front of the computer all day. Besides…you have a toothbrush and toothpaste in your overhead bin.

Oh yah….I forgot about that…but I don’t like that toothpaste.

I bet it smells better than Funyon Breath.

So does mint chip ice cream.

You just got an email. You should probably just check into that and forget about what’s in the freezer.

That’s impossible.

It’s NOT impossible! Go…do…things! Do important things and FORGET THE ICE CREAM!

I wonder if there is still chocolate syrup and toppings in the fridge. There used to be heath topping.

That would taste awful on mint chip ice cream.

How do YOU know!!?

I just KNOW….and so do you.

There’s cake batter flavor ice cream, too. I bet it would taste good on that.

It wouldn’t freshen your Funyon breath.

That’s why I need a scoop of cake batter ice cream AND a scoop of mint chip. Don’t worry! I’d eat the cake batter first and finish with the minty freshness!

STOP talking about ice cream!! You don’t want any! You only have 500 calories allocated for the REST of your day because YOU decided to eat Funyons! PLUS, you had no-bake cookies for breakfast!

Hey!!! That was oatmeal!!…….mostly……!!

Just because you logged it as oatmeal doesn’t mean it actually IS! You’ve met your sugar quota for the day. NO ICE CREAM.

But, I want it.

I don’t care.

Want…….you know, I might die without it.

WHAAAAT?!!

Yup….I really haven’t had much calcium today….and do you know what ice cream is JAM PACKED with…??

Oh, Brother….

Yup! Calcium! My bones feel weak….as in…they may crumble!! I think it has begun!!

Well, if your bones are crumbling from calcium deficiency, then there’s no way you’ll be able to walk to the kitchen for ice cream, much less scoop out the “frozen as hard as a rock” dessert.

I must act fast!!! Stop trying to stop me!!!!

YOU DON’T NEED ICE CREAM!

Yes, I DO!!!!!

DON’T!!

DO!!!!!!!!!

DON’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fine….WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….Someone took the ice cream.

The Day is Only Half Over…

Things you MIGHT have learned today:
– A cat is not an effective alarm clock. Even if it does want and beg for food at 5:00am, it will likely snuggle you back to sleep…at least for awhile…. before waking you up to the sounds of ripping book-pages next to your head. Even the gagging sound of a cat barfing will not necessarily wake you up, though you’ll be busting out some interesting dance moves after arising from bed and stepping in kitty vomit.

– As sanitizing as it may seem to use hot water to clean various objects, the same is not true for merely any scalding liquid. It would NOT behoove you to accidentally use coffee to clean your keyboard. It turns out that it merely makes things a bit stickier than before. A can of air will effectively spray and splash the liquid from the keys to all over your computer screen and desk, so using it to clean up the aforementioned spilled coffee is also a bad idea.

– The moment you realize the seam is coming undone NEXT to your zipper in your pants is the moment you realize that not ONLY do you need to lose a few…or twenty…pounds, but it’s ALSO the moment you know you should probably not stand or walk around too much at work while wearing those un-fitting pants. Also, those slacks are bastards. They should be destroyed, along with your bathroom scale. (Obviously, your ass and thighs are doing a good job of obliterating them, though, so at least you got that going for you.)

– Relying on ONLY caffeinated beverages for breakfast is potentially a bad idea. Relying on Cheez Its for lunch…is an even worse idea.

– Do not try to un-jam your co-worker’s electric stapler with objects from your desk. You’ll likely end up with staple-remover induced cuts on your hand and a failed attempt at being mechanically inclined. Besides that, look at all the paper clips you just ruined!!