Tag Archives: Klutz Factor

Just the Tip

When I exited my car, there was nothing unusual about the night. It was around nine o’clock, and my intentions were to spend the remainder of the evening watching television with The Boyfren, while sipping beer and laughing profusely (because Rick & Morty).

It was the perfect plan for a Monday.

As I stood up from the driver’s seat, I glanced into the neighbor’s driveway. What sat there, curiously peering at me, was a fuzzy brown and white cat. It made me smile.  I had seen this cat before and knew that was a sweet one.  I quickly made plans in my head to pet this kitty before heading into the house.

While devising my strategy for approaching the feline without scaring it away, and watching the cat to make sure I knew where it went if it moved, I absentmindedly swung my car door shut…RIGHT ONTO MY PINKY FINGER!! I’m not talking a “shut and bounce back due to finger being in the way” sort of swing, either!  That fucker LATCHED on me!!!

My initial reaction was shock! As quickly as it happened, I reached over with my other hand and opened the door, freeing my now-bleeding pinky finger.  Luckily, I had smashed just the tip.  (Zing!)

At this point, I was thinking to myself that the cute cat could go fuck itself! It was probably laughing inside with the most adorably evil kitty laugh.

Now my goals for the next hour changed from petting cats and laughing at television to the following:

  1. Do not klutzily hit finger on any object while rushing into the restroom.
  2. Assess the wound.
  3. Do not faint.
  4. Clean the wound.
  5. Continue NOT fainting.
  6. Bandage the wound.
  7. Seriously follow through on the not-fainting goal.
  8. Make Boyfren bring ice pack and pain-numbing shots of liquor to me for the rest of the night.
  9. Do not faint.

I know it can be difficult to achieve all of one’s goals in a night, but I can say I succeeded this time.

Now, three days later, I have a black and purple fingernail, and a pinky that is truly pissed at me for typing this up…because it hurts.

New life goals to add to already existing ones:

  1. Stop breaking fingers.
  2. Do not be distracted by cats when car doors are open.
  3. Do not faint.
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Klutz Factor Today: Level 7

Blunders happen.

So does gravity.

Especially when it comes to me.

And, of course, oatmeal has to be involved as well.

It wouldn’t be a typical Monday without me slopping Quaker’s Oatmeal onto my shirt…..and pants…WHILE AT WORK.

Of course, grabbing the nearest thing next to me to clean it up resulted in Kleenex dissolving onto my just-washed, black slacks.

So now there is a light-colored stain right next to the crotch of my pants….and on the boob of my shirt.

Welcome to my life.

Poppin’ Pills

As a young person, I learned how to NOT open a bag of chips. When one pulls on each opposite side of the package until it opens, if there is too much force, the sack is going to unexpectedly pop open, Jack-In-The-Box style, and chips are going to be flung into the air, onto the person’s head (probably) and all over the ground!
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Yesterday and Today: My allergies had begun to bother me. I’m not sure if it’s the grass or if it’s pollen in the air, but one thing’s for sure—my nose has been one itchy bitch!
Generally, I go for as long as I can before taking any sort of medicine. I figure that my body can surmise how to get through it, and eventually be just fine, without the crutch of medication.

This morning, however, I could no longer stand the itchy nose, sneezing, watery eyes, and general annoyance that my face was feeling. I knew that in the cabinet at my desk, I would find the answer in the form of allergy pills.

As I opened the door to the overhead bin, I momentarily thought I heard angels singing.
“Did someone put some sweet cherub in here? Yes! Yes, they did! In the form of Cetirizine Hydrochloride and Pseudoephedrine!! COME TO ME, MY ANGEL!!!”

A grin spread across my face as I reached for the box that held my salvation….I knew that relief would follow soon.

The box felt very light, and when I peered into it, I realized there was only one tablet left. This was okay, because the box said this one pill would provide up to 12 hours of relief. HALF A DAY OF HAPPINESS!!!!

I could deal with that! ANY relief was better than none, at this point!

I pulled the little bubble-shaped plastic/foil packet out, found the “tear here” slit, and began my ATTEMPT to rip into it!

**Tries to rip plastic and foil packaging——no rip occurs.**

**Attempts to rip in opposite direction——to no avail.**

**Begins the “using canine teeth” method——package is still intact, albeit now full of teeth marks.**

At this point, frustration began to set in, and the panic caused me to just start pulling the two sides apart with ALL of my strength!!

AND THEN!!!!………..

(I didn’t count on this sort of thing happening with a NON-bag shaped container. I should have known. Just like potato chips.)

The teeny package burst open, and its contents went flying! I didn’t see where the pill landed, but I HEARD it “tap, tap, tap” across my desk to some unknown place.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’M SO SORRY, MY ANGEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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(Five minutes later, after searching the entire premises that is my cubicle, in hopes that no one would walk by at the moment that my ass was sticking up in the air from under my desk, I had my allergy medicine. Still currently waiting for it to kick in….)