Tag Archives: cats

Just the Tip

When I exited my car, there was nothing unusual about the night. It was around nine o’clock, and my intentions were to spend the remainder of the evening watching television with The Boyfren, while sipping beer and laughing profusely (because Rick & Morty).

It was the perfect plan for a Monday.

As I stood up from the driver’s seat, I glanced into the neighbor’s driveway. What sat there, curiously peering at me, was a fuzzy brown and white cat. It made me smile.  I had seen this cat before and knew that was a sweet one.  I quickly made plans in my head to pet this kitty before heading into the house.

While devising my strategy for approaching the feline without scaring it away, and watching the cat to make sure I knew where it went if it moved, I absentmindedly swung my car door shut…RIGHT ONTO MY PINKY FINGER!! I’m not talking a “shut and bounce back due to finger being in the way” sort of swing, either!  That fucker LATCHED on me!!!

My initial reaction was shock! As quickly as it happened, I reached over with my other hand and opened the door, freeing my now-bleeding pinky finger.  Luckily, I had smashed just the tip.  (Zing!)

At this point, I was thinking to myself that the cute cat could go fuck itself! It was probably laughing inside with the most adorably evil kitty laugh.

Now my goals for the next hour changed from petting cats and laughing at television to the following:

  1. Do not klutzily hit finger on any object while rushing into the restroom.
  2. Assess the wound.
  3. Do not faint.
  4. Clean the wound.
  5. Continue NOT fainting.
  6. Bandage the wound.
  7. Seriously follow through on the not-fainting goal.
  8. Make Boyfren bring ice pack and pain-numbing shots of liquor to me for the rest of the night.
  9. Do not faint.

I know it can be difficult to achieve all of one’s goals in a night, but I can say I succeeded this time.

Now, three days later, I have a black and purple fingernail, and a pinky that is truly pissed at me for typing this up…because it hurts.

New life goals to add to already existing ones:

  1. Stop breaking fingers.
  2. Do not be distracted by cats when car doors are open.
  3. Do not faint.

The…Plunge…?

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You know what the first thing a person generally needs to do is when he or she awakes after a full night’s sleep? Take a piss. At least, I think that would be the general consensus.

Saturday was no different in this regard. I had slept in until almost noon, when my cats would no longer leave me alone, because they expect food ALL DAY and FOREVER. So I fed them and then meandered to the bathroom to take care of that previously mentioned necessity.

For some reason, the toilet appeared as though it hadn’t been flushed the night before.

I found this odd, but didn’t give it too much thought. I pushed down on the handle…

The water didn’t go down.

No…instead….it began to rise!

“Wait….what…is…happening….? How…does…this….huh??”

I didn’t immediately panic, because I couldn’t quite register what was occurring. Just a few seconds later, however, I noticed that the rising did not cease.

“Shit!! I don’t have a plunger!! WHY DID I NEVER BUY A PLUNGER!???”

This is where my panic set in……AND…

…the overflow began.

“Aaahhh!!! Crap!!! Piss!! F***!!!”

Trying to at least avoid wet carpet, I grabbed the rug from the floor and flung it into the next room, while shooing the cats away, because of COURSE they want to come try to walk through the pee-water!

(Oh HI! I’m a happy, little cat!! Watch me prance in the water!! SEE ME FUCKIN’ PRANCING, MOM!??)

“Get back, A-Hole!!!! You’re cute, but NO ONE IS CUTE WITH PEE ON THEIR PAWS!”

I leaped across the puddle to the linen closet (simultaneously pushing the cats away), grabbed a roll of paper towels and began to unroll it.

ALL OF IT…I UNRAVELED EVERY LITTLE BIT…right onto the offending water!
NOT EVEN AN ENTIRE ROLL OF PAPER TOWEL WAS ENOUGH TO SOAK UP MY SHAME!!!!!

The toilet stopped running, but it was still full to the brim with water, and of course I was left with a dirty pond in my bathroom.

The worst part of it was I still had to pee—badly!! And this little situation didn’t help in that department whatsoever. I mean…running water??!! Come on!!!!

So there it was:

My bathroom–a massive lake of pee-water topped with a zillion paper towels, two cats dancing through it in glee, and me…forced to use the bathtub to take a piss, shaking my head at the fact that I had pee on my feet…just like the cats.

Oh yah…Two hours later, I bought a plunger.