Tag Archives: random

Evil Lurks

I swear, there was murder in its eyes—all eight of its eyes lusted for my blood. I didn’t see him at first, but I could feel that evil gaze as soon as I walked into my bedroom.  I had just exited the shower and my only goal was to dry my hair in peace.  As I reached for the hair-dryer, I glanced something dark and sinister in my peripheral vision.  It was above me, on the wall—the most fuzzy, black arachnid I had ever seen!  He wasn’t gigantic, but he was formidable in size enough so that I jumped back in terror.  Staring directly at me, he began to move across the wall in my direction.  He was either murderous, completely pervy, or BOTH!

It was decision time! This spider had to go!  I grabbed a shoe…but then I stopped.  If I smacked at this thing and missed, it would merely fall to the floor, and would land directly in my open bins full of makeup, etc.  At that point, he could potentially escape into the mess of things, recuperate, and then carry out his revenge on me later as I slept!

What were my other options? He was too high on the wall for me to try to catch him and release him to the wild.  I could have gone to the next room to grab some sort of bug spray with which I could attack him, but I was afraid that if I turned my back at all, he would escape and hide from me, while of course plotting my demise.  My contemplations increased, and I began to panic.

This is the instant, that crucial turning point, where the boyfren walked into my house. That moment looked like this:

He walked up to my bedroom door (unbeknownst to me) and peered in, puzzled, to find that I was standing there stark naked, holding one shoe like a baseball about to be pitched, but frozen in place, staring up at the wall, and yelling at my cats, “Why don’t you two do your jobs?? Why can’t you track down and kill the spiders?? YOU HAVE ONE RESPONSIBILITY IN THIS HOUSE BESIDES LICKING YOUR ASSHOLES, AND THAT IS TO KILL THE CREEPY/CRAWLY THINGS!!!”

With poise and ease, Justin grabbed a Kleenex, and disposed of the murderous perv-spider. JUST LIKE THAT!  As if it was a simple gesture!

My hero!

Now…I simply wait for the spider’s family to avenge his death. They always do.  (Isn’t this like the tenth blog I’ve written about spiders????)

A Fate of Fire

It’s never a pleasant experience to wake up and realize you slept in the wrong position. The body decides to punish this mistake by throwing a kink in your neck…or your shoulder…or BOTH.  This was me on Saturday morning.  Then it followed me all day….like a little kink-puppy.

I made the assumption that another night’s sleep would force it away. We all know what assuming does, though, and Sunday morning brought the pain!  I stretched, I massaged it, I rolled my back with a foam roller, and even rolled a tennis ball under my shoulder blade.  (THIS was extremely painful as well.)  All this to no avail.

Luke offered to drive to the store and purchase some muscle rub cream, and I consented. Upon his return, the cream was rubbed into my neck, right shoulder, and part of my back.

What came next was not expected. My skin burst into metaphorical flames!

Holy shit!! This is how this works??  They distract you from your regular pain by giving you pain that is equal to what one finds in the depths of hell???  Or was I turning into a lava beast!??

Damn; damn; damn!! Lava beasts can’t have pet cats! Or boyfriends…or any friends, for that matter!!  I wasn’t ABOUT to let this happen.

I began to frantically wipe at my skin with a towel.

Luke looked at me, questioningly. “Don’t do that! You’ll wipe it off!”

“That’s sort of the POINT!! It’s trying to kill me! It wants to ruin my LIFE!!!”

I had demon slime on my skin, and he wanted me to LEAVE it there!!? NO!!!

Luke then explained that creams like IcyHot had about 2.5% of the working ingredient, and the cream I had slathered all over my skin contained 10% of the stuff!

Lashes!! I’d been given lashes with whips covered in razor blades and fire!!  This was no cream!  It was all a lie!!  How did I manage to consent to this!!??

I wanted to curl into a fetal position while cuddling with ice cubes, but I resisted. If I could get through this, then I could handle anything.  A walk on the sun would be mere child’s play to me after THIS!  In fact, the sun would have to be my home.  A lava monster can’t live on earth.

The minutes seemed like years. I sat there, burning, and contemplating my fate.

Finally, slowly, but surely…it ended. I survived.  I conquered.

Today, my neck continues to hurt. I’ll let it.  I’ve been to hell.  I’m not going back.  I escaped the fate of becoming the Lava Monster.

Now, I face Monday.

Related: I have some CVS Muscle Rub in my purse, currently, if anyone else wants to taste death.  I’m keeping it handy for my enemies.

Random Brain Stuff

Sometimes, my brain wanders to places throughout the day. It isn’t normal…..
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I could definitely take a nap right now. But just because I can, doesn’t mean I will. Unfortunately, a hard desk doesn’t really make the best pillow. Not only that, but if I end up drooling in my sleep, it’d form a pool on my desk, and I would probably not notice it at first. Then, I’d end up sliding a paper across my desk, no doubt something of extreme importance, and it would soak up all of the spit. The document would be ruined, and I would have to explain why I needed a duplicate.
“Sorry, Boss…I drooled all over this one by accident. Could you please give me another one so I can try again?”
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I have unopened, plastic utensils at my desk. There is a fork and a knife. I’m trying to remember where they came from. Most of the time, these things are packaged together. Spoon, Fork, and Knife are a family with little salt and pepper packet babies, all nestled in their plastic wrapping, alongside the soft side of a napkin.
But these utensils…the ones on my desk…they are different. They were each packaged separately. Did the plastic-ware family get a divorce? The salt and pepper packets either ran away or grew up and moved out of the home….or got eaten. Now THAT would suck….but then again, they would have died while serving their whole life’s purpose. It is just too bad they were so young….so innocent……so salty. And where the hell is the spoon?? Probably off, forking around all over town! Slutty spoon…

Rando-Thoughts

1. Ever have one of those days where it doesn’t matter how much coffee you drink, how much cold air blasts in your face, how many showers you take or how many jumping jacks you do, you just can’t seem to wake up? This is today.

2. I fail at eye-drops. Since I don’t feel like walking all the way to the bathroom to use the mirror, I re-wet my eyes/contacts at my desk. Unfortunately, my aim in general (with anything) is not the most stellar in the world. The first two drops generally end up rolling down my cheek, missing my eyes completely. The third drop might hit my lashes, giving me a very nice streak of mascara down my face. Finally, drops four and five are a bull’s-eye.

Then I repeat on the other side. SAME EXACT THING HAPPENS.

And there you have it; now I sit at my desk looking as if I just lost my dog and am an emotional mess, when truth be told….I just need better hand to eye coordination.

3. Stomach aches are stupid.

Tuesday Museday

Today-Simply-Randomly-Written:

8:10am

A paraphrased conversation with a fellow employee this morning:

Susie:  I brought in more flavors of coffee today, so we aren’t stuck drinking the cat-piss kind.

Me: Oh yay!! What kinds?

Susie:  I got Toasted Pecan and Hazelnut; I bought the big bags, so you all can choose whatever flavor you want today.

Me: Oooh yum!!  What kind do you want?

Susie: Oh it doesn’t matter to me.

Me: Well, I vote for the nut one!

Susie:……………………they’re both nuts.

Me: Oh yah. (In my mind, I clearly meant “pecan”, but obviously, my logic is often nonsensical…especially when I lack coffee.)

This conversation gives proof to my “ditzy blonde” tendencies, from which I fear I will never escape! :)

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8:45am

Today is Heather’s birthday.  I decided I wanted to make it extra special, so I sent her a gift.  It should arrive in an envelope at some point later this morning.  Just a simple token of my affection:  A ziploc bag with pecans in it, labeled with a post it that reads, “Deez Nuts”.

Is there any other better gift during office hours for one’s birthday?  I doubt it.  Fuck flowers…this means SO much more!

(Okay, I know I’m full of it right now, but I am just super excited for her to receive them, and I hope she laughs her butt off!)

(10:30am—She sent me a text–pretty sure my mission was accomplished. *grin*)

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9:45am

Today, I received a “Merry Christmas” from one of my contacts at another business.  I thought that was sweet, so I had to send a Christmas Cat-Meme back.  ‘Tis the season for laughter!  (She loved it, btw.)

**COMMENCE WITH SENDING ALL THE CHRISTMAS MEMES!!!**

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1:00pm

The Christmas luncheon is over.  I am completely stuffed.  And upon someone opening up a gift that included almond coffee, Susie decided to call out to me, “Leah! There’s another nut for ya!!”  

Pretty sure everyone was confused and perhaps amused. 

Apparently, the theme of today is nuts.

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Nuts nuts NUTS…..and more nuts…………The End.

Random Ramblings 11-7

I’ve decided that the male voice of our building’s elevators is malicious.  I mean, I hardly think that it’s a good thing to hear a menacing, robotic voice telling me I’m “going down”!  That just sounds like a threat to me.  They should just add “Sucka” to the end of the voice recording and be done with it!  Can you imagine?

You push the button with the down arrow picture on it, and the doors of the elevator open, warmly inviting you in…so you think.  Then, you press the button representing your desired floor, and the doors promptly CLOSE, trapping you inside the metal box, and a robotic voice exclaims, “You’re Going Down, SUCKA!”

Actually…they really should set the elevators up like that.  It’d be hilarious!

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Why has nothing been invented to alter taste buds?  I would love it if I could make cauliflower taste like Doritos.  I would eat ALL THE CAULIFLOWER.  What else?  Oh!  I want this taste-bud alter machine to also have texture capabilities…..anything soggy would be perceived as crunchy! YES!!!! 

Someone invent this…and then give me one…for Christmas. Thanks!

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Last night, I had a weird dream.  I’ll spare the details, but the gist of it is this:

Shannon and I bought a pig in Asia for a pet.  We brought it home.  I had a whole section of our deck set up for our new, little pet, complete with a blown up vanity. (I don’t know why.)  After bringing our little guy home, Shannon reads that there’s some disease that he can get, and now we have to get rid of the pig.  But I argue that the article he read says that the only way the pig will catch the disease is if we feed him an incredibly large amount of cake, and as long as we just never give him cake, we’ll be fine.  Shannon still doesn’t want to take that chance, and I’m all upset and trying to figure out how to keep our pig…..then I wake up.

WTF?

 

Play Along! :) Or Whatever…

I had no idea that people did blog nominations, but it sounds like it could be fun!  Jess from www.objessions.com nominated me, but I have to admit that I may not completely follow the rules here.  I am supposed to list 11 random facts about myself, answer the questions she gave me, and then come up with another 11 questions for other people I nominate.  I’ll do the first two, but since, so far, I am not familiar enough with my bloggers to nominate someone right away, I’m not going to do so.  HOWEVER, I will come up with 11 questions for anyone to answer in the comments section, and we’ll pretend I nominated those people!  Sound good?

(One other thing—this reminds me of those old emails that used to be forwarded all over the place!  Remember the ones with a billion questions that you’d answer and then send back to whoever sent it, and then you’d forward them on for the next person?   Until this nomination, I had forgotten those existed!!  I used to enjoy them….so we’ll see how much I enjoy this new version!)

11 Random Facts about me:

1. I love singing!  Anyone who knows me knows that fact. BUT, I remember listening to music as a young girl, and since my singing voice was a soft one, I couldn’t hear myself if I sang the melody with the song.  So, I would sing other notes around the melody that fit it.  THUS, I learned to sing harmonies at an early age, by accident, just so I could hear myself sing along.

2.  I have my dog cuddled up to me right now (Coda, the Schipperke), and my cat (Buddy Van Bizzle Dizzle)  taking a tongue-bath inside a laundry basket to the left of us.

3.  I hate it when the floor of the bathroom is wet.  I also don’t like when the mirror fogs up, so I always shower with the door open.

4.  When I was a child, I was completely obsessed with owning all of the “Littlest Pet Shop” play-sets.  Now, I can only remember the name of the first one I ever got.  It was a cat whose magnetic head chased a magnetic mouse.  The cat’s name was “Miles”.

5.  In kindergarten, I was homeschooled, but my mom accidentally taught me through third grade…all while in “kindergarten”.

6.  I could eat pizza or Tex-Mex any and every day of the week.

7.  I never knew the word “fuck” existed until I was 15-16 years old.

8.  I once visited our Capitol Building on a Sunday by train….and accidentally caused several policemen and fire-trucks to arrive that day…twice.  There may or may not be long, lost footage of me pounding a gavel where a judge would normally sit on a weekday.

9.  I am 30 years old, and still have never been gambling at a casino.  I don’t mind.

10.  My first horror movie that I ever watched was at a friend’s house.  It was “Scream”. I ended up eating an entire bag of peanut butter cups that night during the movie, and so I was miserable the rest of the night.  I still enjoy that corny flick.

11.  I have incredibly GIGANTIC big toes.

To answer Jess’s questions:

1. What was the last concert you went to?  Favorite concert?

           My last concert was Buzz Beachball last Friday.  My favorite concert was probably Beachball last year, though.

2. What is your favorite place in the United States that you have been to?

          So far, probably New York City.

3. What is your all-time favorite book? Movie?

          I am such a fickle person, and I have a hard time picking a favorite when there are SO MANY GREAT choices!  I do happen to enjoy most books by Dean Koontz.  I also adore the Lucky Santangelo series by Jackie Collins.  Fave movie?  Okay, Jess, you’re asking multiple questions per question…isn’t that like cheating???  I can’t pick a favorite movie.  Again too many choices.  The most recent movies I bought were “Far and Away” and the second, most recent “Star Trek” (I still have to finish that one, though.)

4. Share a picture…(wait…that’s not a question, Jess…that’s a DEMAND!) lol

5. How much time (on average) do you spend on the internet per day?..

          TOO MUCH….maybe…probably.

6. What is your favorite genre of food?

          Mexican

7. What has been your favorite birthday?  What did you do that made it so special?

          Last year, my 29th birthday, was amazing, because to celebrate, my dad took me on a road trip to Chicago. SO FUN!!!!

8. What is your favorite song RIGHT NOW?

          HONESTLY, my favorite song at the moment is an original done by @Rizzimyers called “Light in the Dark”  It is AMAZING!! If you’re reading this, STOP…and go check it out. :) Yes, that’s her Twitter handle, and yes, she’s also on Youtube.

9. Are you a morning person or a night owl?

         I’ve always been more of a night owl, but in the past year, I’ve forced myself to become more of a morning person..slightly.   Okay, I’m still grumpy in the mornings, but at least it’s not to the point of “DEATH SCOWL” like it used to be.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?

          Unwarranted anger.

11. What’s your favorite post you’ve ever written?

         Ummmm……I love ALL MY POSTS the same!!!! ;)

NOW FOR YOUR QUESTIONS!!!!!

1. If you had a pet dragon, what would you name it?

2. If you had to lose a limb, which one would you choose?

3.  How tall are you; how tall do you WANT to be?

4. What is the craziest thing you’ve done/seen……..in the past month?

5. Which is better: Oreos or Chips Ahoy?

6.  When is the last time you swung on a swing-set?

7.  If a pan-handler has a hilarious sign that literally makes you laugh aloud, would you donate money to that person?

8.  What is one of your guilty pleasures?

9.  What is your favorite time of day…besides 5;00?

10.  If you could have ANY view out your bedroom window, what would it be?

11.  How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Okay! PHEW! Done.  Feel free to play along!  OR don’t!  I’m hoping to be entertained by your answers, but don’t worry!  My hopes aren’t raised super high…….just kinda….HI!