Tag Archives: rambles

A Fate of Fire

It’s never a pleasant experience to wake up and realize you slept in the wrong position. The body decides to punish this mistake by throwing a kink in your neck…or your shoulder…or BOTH.  This was me on Saturday morning.  Then it followed me all day….like a little kink-puppy.

I made the assumption that another night’s sleep would force it away. We all know what assuming does, though, and Sunday morning brought the pain!  I stretched, I massaged it, I rolled my back with a foam roller, and even rolled a tennis ball under my shoulder blade.  (THIS was extremely painful as well.)  All this to no avail.

Luke offered to drive to the store and purchase some muscle rub cream, and I consented. Upon his return, the cream was rubbed into my neck, right shoulder, and part of my back.

What came next was not expected. My skin burst into metaphorical flames!

Holy shit!! This is how this works??  They distract you from your regular pain by giving you pain that is equal to what one finds in the depths of hell???  Or was I turning into a lava beast!??

Damn; damn; damn!! Lava beasts can’t have pet cats! Or boyfriends…or any friends, for that matter!!  I wasn’t ABOUT to let this happen.

I began to frantically wipe at my skin with a towel.

Luke looked at me, questioningly. “Don’t do that! You’ll wipe it off!”

“That’s sort of the POINT!! It’s trying to kill me! It wants to ruin my LIFE!!!”

I had demon slime on my skin, and he wanted me to LEAVE it there!!? NO!!!

Luke then explained that creams like IcyHot had about 2.5% of the working ingredient, and the cream I had slathered all over my skin contained 10% of the stuff!

Lashes!! I’d been given lashes with whips covered in razor blades and fire!!  This was no cream!  It was all a lie!!  How did I manage to consent to this!!??

I wanted to curl into a fetal position while cuddling with ice cubes, but I resisted. If I could get through this, then I could handle anything.  A walk on the sun would be mere child’s play to me after THIS!  In fact, the sun would have to be my home.  A lava monster can’t live on earth.

The minutes seemed like years. I sat there, burning, and contemplating my fate.

Finally, slowly, but surely…it ended. I survived.  I conquered.

Today, my neck continues to hurt. I’ll let it.  I’ve been to hell.  I’m not going back.  I escaped the fate of becoming the Lava Monster.

Now, I face Monday.

Related: I have some CVS Muscle Rub in my purse, currently, if anyone else wants to taste death.  I’m keeping it handy for my enemies.

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Dorito Dilemma

Today, I attempted to pretend my protein bar was a bag of Cool Ranch doritos.  It did not work.  So, I decided it would be worth it to cough up the 40 cents and buy a small bag of the beloved chips. 

I dug through the abyss, aka the bottom of my gigantic purse/bag.  Along with some wrappers and crumbs (HOW THE HELL…????), I pulled out some coins.  JUST ENOUGH!! It had to be a sign.  I was MEANT to eat those chips!

I practically skipped to the cubicle that holds our beloved office-snack treasures, and I opened the drawer that holds the chips and crackers.  For a moment, I thought I heard angels…and a small bit of light seemed to eminate from the drawer! 

This light was QUICKLY dashed as I realized…..there…..were……NO…..DORITOS!!!!  Nothing but potato chips and Sun Chips!! These are NOT what I craved!!!

I wandered back to my desk in defeat, a small, figurative tear rolling down my cheek.

Hot As Ice #leahwouldramble

All I needed were two ice cube trays; they were the final component in my ingredients for “Sunday Food Prep”, five days ago.   

 Dead set on my quest to have freezer smoothies as part of my food prep, I added the trays to last week’s Thursday grocery list.  There were three possible areas I knew of in the grocery store where I thought I could find ice cube trays.  To my dismay, not one area held the required item.  After double-checking with a Price Chopper associate, my fears were confirmed.  At this point, it was no matter, because I still had two days until Sunday to find them….somewhere.

Last Sunday arrived, and I knew where I could go.  “Big Lots—they MUST have them!” I thought.  The Hubbs and I searched a few aisles before approaching someone about them.  They directed us to the other end of the store, where our labors continued to provide no fruit!  Another employee then pointed us in another direction, and like little, lost puppies, we followed.  Again, no ice cube trays.  It had seemed all was lost, and we had spent 25 minutes wandering around in vain. 

Then FINALLY, in our last moments, when we’d almost given up, we spotted them.  3 trays in a pack, and one of those packages were ALL OURS!  With giddiness and a sense of accomplishment, we bought the ugly ice cube trays.  It had only taken a total of about 60 minutes within three days to find them! (An hour of life wasted on the search for ice cube trays.)

Fast-forward to last night.  It’s grocery night again, and I’ve returned to Price Chopper.  Unfortunately, my mood at this point in time can be described as “stabby”, since I all really wanted to do was kick things over and make a mess of anything in my path!!  After making it through the produce section successfully (meaning, I didn’t throw fruit at anyone or squeeze any bananas into oblivion), I meander past the “seasonal aisle”. 

BEHOLD!!!!!  ICE CUBE TRAYS!!!!  And NOT ONLY are they in the spot I’d looked for them just a week prior, but they are cheaper than the ones we bought, and they are BEAUTIFULLY COLORED!…

While screaming at the top of my lungs, I plucked each of the green trays from their hanging spot, and chucked it as hard as I could towards the produce section.  “You’re GREEN!! GO LIVE WITH YOUR GREEN RELATIVES!”  Then the orange ones, I threw across the ENTIRE STORE in a perfect spiral just like a football!  I then dropkicked all the blue ones towards the meat counter. “You want ICE?? I’ll give you ICE!!” All the rest of the rainbow colors, I slammed to the ground and then began jumping up and down on them, smashing them into tiny little pieces, so the ground looked as if it was covered in sharp, plastic confetti! 

“Where were you last week when I was looking for you??  What kind of cruel joke IS THIS???  NOW, YOU’RE PAYING FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!  BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(zoom out)

I snap back to reality, escaping my PMS-induced imaginary rampage!

Took a deep breath…and continued shopping….