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Rando-Thoughts

1. Ever have one of those days where it doesn’t matter how much coffee you drink, how much cold air blasts in your face, how many showers you take or how many jumping jacks you do, you just can’t seem to wake up? This is today.

2. I fail at eye-drops. Since I don’t feel like walking all the way to the bathroom to use the mirror, I re-wet my eyes/contacts at my desk. Unfortunately, my aim in general (with anything) is not the most stellar in the world. The first two drops generally end up rolling down my cheek, missing my eyes completely. The third drop might hit my lashes, giving me a very nice streak of mascara down my face. Finally, drops four and five are a bull’s-eye.

Then I repeat on the other side. SAME EXACT THING HAPPENS.

And there you have it; now I sit at my desk looking as if I just lost my dog and am an emotional mess, when truth be told….I just need better hand to eye coordination.

3. Stomach aches are stupid.

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Liquid In Transit

It was a place I had never been before, and now that I had arrived, there was no turning back. The small door opened inward, and the first thing I noticed as I entered was the size. I imagined that if there was a closet underneath a small shelf inside of a loft apartment, that’s the amount of space that was permitted to me to do my business. I would not have messed with it, honestly, but since there were still 45 minutes until we landed at the airport in Ft. Lauderdale, and I had rapidly consumed three alcohol-beverages, no more waiting could happen.

THIS……this is what had to happen.

I was about to use the restroom in an airplane. My pee was to be scattered in the wind, high above the earth, raining down upon the unsuspecting joggers and dog-walkers!! It’s almost poetic.

(I know this isn’t really what happens, but this is how I imagine it happens, so let me have my dreams!)

As I turned around to shut and lock the door, I impassively noticed the “No Smoking” sign directly above the ash tray. A quick thought of “Oh, this plane must be old” crossed my mind, and shortly after “I wonder if older planes crash more easily than newer ones…” This thought came to me completely out of nowhere, and I banished it away as I dropped the trousers and sat to pee.

I’m not afraid of flying—I’ve never had a reason to be. The only thing I don’t like about traveling in an airplane is the lack of foot-room and the fact that the seats are difficult to fall asleep in. Turbulence had never been an issue, since I had never really experienced it…..

Until that very moment….

As soon as I sat down on the pot, the seatbelt light turned on and the pilot’s voice rang out saying that we needed to be seated and brace ourselves for a fuckin’ whirlwind of flight. (I may be paraphrasing a little bit on that.)

“What the hell do I hold onto!??”

Suddenly, I was taking a piss on a roller coaster!! I held onto the wall and searched for the toilet paper so I could escape this crazy, shaky box-room! When I glanced to my left, all I saw were Kleenex! They had to do! I pulled a couple out, wondering how they could NOT provide TP……

But then I saw it….it was BELOW me and to the left…..two glorious rolls of it!!

“YES!!”

As I reached, more turbulence made me lurch forward. My hand hit the toilet paper as my head hit the door, and both of the rolls both came flying off from their holder!

“Shit”

As my entire body was still being flung up and down then side to side, I chased after the rolls along the floor, while still keeping my butt planted on the seat, because I was in no mood to have leftover pee-dribbles creep down my leg. I finally was able to procure one roll and fasten it back to its home. The other became a rogue wanderer of the bathroom floor.

After difficulty (an understatement), I finished THAT business.

Pulling up my pants was a challenge, too….since we were still being jostled about, I kept being slammed into the door while ATTEMPTING to pull up my jeans.

Let’s just say, I ended up half-way falling a couple times before I was able to wash my hands at the world’s tiniest sink! I also fell a couple times while washing my hands.

Airplane Crew, I’m sorry, I ended up flinging water spots all over the mirror…and the walls…and the door…and my FACE.

As soon as I finished and exited the restroom, the plane leveled out and the ride was completely smooth.

ABSOLUTELY FREAKIN’ SERENE!!!!!!

I stood there, puzzled, for just a couple seconds and wondered if that whole thing was the pilot’s version of a joke.

I’m assuming, “YES”.

Blips #leahwouldramble 7-2-13

Random Thoughts of This Tubular Tuesday

  • “Used out of necessity,      under protest” ß      This is my favorite phrase that I’ve ever seen stamped on a five-dollar      bill.
  • I tried looking up      synonyms through a Word document to see if any existed for “Tubular”.  There were “no suggestions”.
  • I was a steady tree in      yoga this morning…most days, I am a wobbly one!  It must have been less windy in my      brain.
  • I think that having my      boob itch (My shirt is currently causing this discomfort.) is the      equivalent of when a guy’s junk needs to be rearranged.  I’m not exactly comfortable just groping      and clawing at my breast to fix the problem out in the open.  So if you see me heading to the restroom      often, it’s actually NOT to pee, but to tug at my shirt, rub on my boob      and say, “UGH” in frustration, until I can change into a new,      non-itchy-seam shirt! 

*wriggles in chair* ßNope! Didn’t work. UGH!

  • Sometimes, I wonder about      little improbable scenarios…like, what if I went to sleep, and then didn’t      wake up until I was 60?? Who would be there?  What will I have missed?? What a scary      thought!!!!  Then I revert back to      others scenarios like, what if I acquired superpowers?   Now THAT would be pretty sweet! I think…
  • Ahhhhhhh….the vicious and      delicious bread smell is back again!! DANG IT, TINA!!! Why must you cook      delicious smelling lunches?? Just to torture me!! I KNOW IT!!!!!
  • It is magnificently hot      outside!!  So hot, in fact, that at      the end of the workout, my eyes stung with a mixture of sweat, melting      mascara, and sun-block.  TOTALLY      WORTH IT.  I have to say, though,      that I’m pretty sure it’s a torture tactic for the trainer to pick a spot      to work-out in the heat…NEXT TO A POOL.       I will JUMP into that thing fully clothed next time, Sucka!!!!!!!
  • If I choke down ONE more      carrot today, I might go flippin’ crazy!!!       And I mean INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE ‘cause CRAZY CARROTS!!      AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!  (Oh Shit…it’s      already started.)

 

It’s ENERGY! #leahwouldramble

So…CVS was out of my usual Lo-Carb (blue can) Monster, BUT they did have the White Zero Cal Zero Sugar one…which is also good.  It tastes sweeter than the other, BUT  the energy blend is cut in HALF. AND since they were buy 2 for $4….I figured I’d get two.  Bwa ha ha…(I have a problem.) ;) 

One is to substitute for my coffee this morning…and one is for the pre-drinking, hangover preventative at 2:00…..and of course, I grabbed a Redbull  for Heather as well.  (It sits tauntingly in the fridge as we SPEAK …er…READ…wahtever!)

I walk up to the counter…and I stand there for a few minutes, which is fine because there’s a sweet, old lady in front of me buying assorted items from her shopping cart..including Poise.  (I had to include this, because I don’t care who you are…those are funny…to everyone….like a guy buying tampons.) **Snickers**

Of course, bless her heart, she forgot to have the cashier ring up her last bottle of water….so I’m standing behind her even longer, and at this point, my hands are past-the-point-of-freezing numb from holding onto three CHILLED energy drinks.  I walk up to the counter finally, and the girl pointedly looks at me and asks,

“Tired?”

I totally don’t understand what she means at first. (Blonde moment.)  Did I look tired?  Is it because I didn’t put makeup on yet?  Am I slouching/yawning? What did I do to elicit that question???? Why has NOBODY told me that I have bags under my eyes and I look like some horribly disfigured-from-lack-of-sleep vagrant!!?? (Wait…I dont!)

  And then I remembered what I was purchasing.  THREE energy drinks!! OH!! Great….

Apparently, I looked like an energy-drink-abusive teenager.  I quickly tell her that they are not all mine (As if she believes me at this point…isn’t that wht they always say?), and she smiles…and then the guy who had been waiting behind me pipes up,

“I was wondering that, too! Ha ha ha!”

 Gee. Thanks, Guy.

The thought that I might look like some psychotic person due to my purchase never even occurred to me.  I wonder how many times this has happened before…

Upside: I got to use my coupon for $1.50 CVSExtraBucks before they expired.