This is just a typical email conversation, as of late….all direct quotes.
Me: Okay, I’m going to be a Shitty person now. I just got a call from Shan…he says “Do me a favor…meet me in the lobby… NOW.” So I do…. He brought me cheesecake. Tiramisu cheesecake. And I’m really hoping you’ll come have a bite or two of it…………because you gave me truffle yesterday.
Heather: Uh, YES. Partially so we can chat about this with our mouths full.
Me: Good…I already grabbed a spoon for you. Come now!!!
(This is the part where we stuffed our faces with deliciousness and whipped cream and joy-ness….then Heather retreated to her desk.)
Heather: I am now eating a milk chocolate truffle. #becausefatLA
Me: That hashtag is so much better than our previous one. Heather….I’m supposed to go to a pool on Saturday…I don’t know that I want to be seen in a bikini though!! WAAAAAAAAAH
Heather: Sundress over swimsuit, my friend. That’s my go-to. Or I may just start wearing a full on trench coat. So I can eat whatever I want.
Me: Why don’t we just start wearing giant garbage bags?
Heather: I’m just worried we will look homeless. I’m like, “Do I want to look dangerous and fat? (Trenchcoat.) Or crazy and fat? (Giant rain poncho.) Or homeless and fat? (Trashbag.)”
Fourth option: Actually lose weight.
Just kidding, that’s a horrible idea that takes too much of a time commitment.
Me: I don’t even know what that fourth option MEANS……I don’t think it’s possible……So, I guess dangerous and fat….. (trenchcoat)….but I am going to keep a trashbag in the pocket….for leftover food scraps…like bones from Peanut Wings, and wrappers from candy bars, and leftover, whipped-cream covered spoons……
Heather: Better yet, you could put more food in it for later and bottomless buffets.
So it’s settled. Trenchcoat + trashbag.
Dangerous and crazy. We sound like 99% of women on earth, honestly.