Hefty Buffet Bags

This is just a typical email conversation, as of late….all direct quotes.


Me: Okay, I’m going to be a Shitty person now.   I just got a call from Shan…he says “Do me a favor…meet me in the lobby…  NOW.”   So I do…. He brought me cheesecake.  Tiramisu cheesecake.  And I’m really hoping you’ll come have a bite or two of it…………because you gave me truffle yesterday.


 Heather: Uh, YES. Partially so we can chat about this with our mouths full.


Me: Good…I already grabbed a spoon for you. Come now!!!


(This is the part where we stuffed our faces with deliciousness and whipped cream and joy-ness….then Heather retreated to her desk.)


Heather: I am now eating a milk chocolate truffle.  #becausefatLA


Me: That hashtag is so much better than our previous one.  Heather….I’m supposed to go to a pool on Saturday…I don’t know that I want to be seen in a bikini though!! WAAAAAAAAAH


Heather:  Sundress over swimsuit, my friend. That’s my go-to.  Or I may just start wearing a full on trench coat. So I can eat whatever I want.


Me: Why don’t we just start wearing giant garbage bags?


Heather: I’m just worried we will look homeless. I’m like, “Do I want to look dangerous and fat? (Trenchcoat.) Or crazy and fat? (Giant rain poncho.) Or homeless and fat? (Trashbag.)”

 Fourth option: Actually lose weight.

Just kidding, that’s a horrible idea that takes too much of a time commitment.


Me: I don’t even know what that fourth option MEANS……I don’t think it’s possible……So, I guess dangerous and fat….. (trenchcoat)….but I am going to keep a trashbag in the pocket….for leftover food scraps…like bones from Peanut Wings, and wrappers from candy bars, and leftover, whipped-cream covered spoons……


Heather: Better yet, you could put more food in it for later and bottomless buffets.

 So it’s settled. Trenchcoat + trashbag.

 Dangerous and crazy. We sound like 99% of women on earth, honestly.




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