Tag Archives: food

Hefty Buffet Bags

This is just a typical email conversation, as of late….all direct quotes.

 

Me: Okay, I’m going to be a Shitty person now.   I just got a call from Shan…he says “Do me a favor…meet me in the lobby…  NOW.”   So I do…. He brought me cheesecake.  Tiramisu cheesecake.  And I’m really hoping you’ll come have a bite or two of it…………because you gave me truffle yesterday.

 

 Heather: Uh, YES. Partially so we can chat about this with our mouths full.

 

Me: Good…I already grabbed a spoon for you. Come now!!!

 

(This is the part where we stuffed our faces with deliciousness and whipped cream and joy-ness….then Heather retreated to her desk.)

 

Heather: I am now eating a milk chocolate truffle.  #becausefatLA

 

Me: That hashtag is so much better than our previous one.  Heather….I’m supposed to go to a pool on Saturday…I don’t know that I want to be seen in a bikini though!! WAAAAAAAAAH

 

Heather:  Sundress over swimsuit, my friend. That’s my go-to.  Or I may just start wearing a full on trench coat. So I can eat whatever I want.

 

Me: Why don’t we just start wearing giant garbage bags?

 

Heather: I’m just worried we will look homeless. I’m like, “Do I want to look dangerous and fat? (Trenchcoat.) Or crazy and fat? (Giant rain poncho.) Or homeless and fat? (Trashbag.)”

 Fourth option: Actually lose weight.

Just kidding, that’s a horrible idea that takes too much of a time commitment.

 

Me: I don’t even know what that fourth option MEANS……I don’t think it’s possible……So, I guess dangerous and fat….. (trenchcoat)….but I am going to keep a trashbag in the pocket….for leftover food scraps…like bones from Peanut Wings, and wrappers from candy bars, and leftover, whipped-cream covered spoons……

 

Heather: Better yet, you could put more food in it for later and bottomless buffets.

 So it’s settled. Trenchcoat + trashbag.

 Dangerous and crazy. We sound like 99% of women on earth, honestly.

 

 

 

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A Lesson in Lunch #leahwouldblog

On a normal workday, my lunch-break is spent in the fitness room.  Today, however, it was spent alone at Minsky’s, wolfing down a cheeseburger and chugging iced tea.  I suppose that’s a perk of having a foot that hurts too much to try to do cardio class.

Regrettable?  Maybe…

But it DID spur on a CHERISHED memory–the first time I ate alone during a lunch-break…

It was in the beginning of my entrance into the delightful necessary world of working full-time; I was 16 years old, and the second semester of the school year had ended.  I had been working as a teller at the Bank of Lee’s Summit since that previous December. 

Most days, I packed my lunch and ate it in the security of the bank’s kitchen.  The day finally came, however, that I decided I would be more “like an adult” and venture out to a restaurant for my lunch.  Since I hadn’t been driving very long, you see, I was not the most adventurous person when it came to driving unfamiliar places.  Plus, it was hot out that day, and my car at the time had no air conditioning.  But now I’m just making excuses for my past self…

So, I clocked out for lunch and strolled my on-a-mission butt to my hot-as-an-oven Honda, and set off to find a glorious plate of sustenance.  Of the many choices in the restaurant world, you KNOW I was going to only pick the most classy place in existence!!

FAZOLI’S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey, I was 16…..LIKE I KNEW what CLASS was in the restaurant world!!!  I thought fast-food Italian was GENIUS…….  Plus, they offered unlimited buttery breadsticks!!!  And this was back in the day where they had people walking around with BASKETS FULL of those little salty treasures!!!  YOU COULD EAT TEN OF THEM WITHOUT JUDGEMENT!!!! 

I ordered a plate that included three of the restaurant’s specialties, a portion of this food being lasagna.  I triumphantly picked up my plastic fork, and immediately dug in to the saucy, meaty goodness.  As my fork carried the first bite to my famished mouth, gravity decided to play a joke on me, and PULLED the food off the fork, then thwarted it DIRECTLY at MY BOOBS!!! 

But pffffshhh……. did I panic?  …..

 

 

FUCK YES, I DID!!!!!  I was NOT ready for this adult situation!!!!!  To make matters worse, I was wearing a white dress!!  I immediately grabbed ALL the napkins on the table, and begin dipping them into my glass of ice-water, and then frantically patting away the red sauce that then adorned my breasticles.  The mark of the SCARLET SAUCE must be removed!!!!!!!

After a frantic five minutes, I didn’t see any trace of the sauce on my dress.  I breathed a sigh of relief…I had done it.  I won.  Gravity had NOTHIN’ on me!!  I finished my meal with no more haphazard bites, and with a smile on my face that said, “I have conquered my lunch…ALL of you people SHOULD be FULL of AWE and WONDER!”  (Okay, so no one even noticed my debacle, to my knowledge, but in the first moments of sauce-falling, I felt as if ALL eyes were on me.)

I returned to the bank for the remainder of my full-time, barely-above-minimum-wage job, continuing to grin like an idiot.  Victory was glittering in my eyes as I helped all my lobby customers with the utmost confidence!!!  For those next couple hours, all was right with the world…

until I went to the bathroom.

Here’s the thing about wiping off your boobs at a restaurant table instead of in the bathroom….from the vantage point of my face, I can’t see directly under my boob.  And THAT, my friends, is the EXACT place that some lasagna meat sauce had decided to hibernate.

Don’t wear white to work.  IF you do, DON’T eat Italian food from a plastic fork.  Lesson learned.

Ditzy ruins food. #leahwouldblog

I think everyone is familiar with the moment he or she realizes that there is joy that springs within oneself when looking forward to  eating some sort of food item.  MOST of the time, I think these moments are associated with cravings for junk, BUT, I personally also have these moments when there’s something in my lunchbox that I know I will enjoy.  Whether or not it is a healthy morsel, if it is the BEST piece of food I have (in my tongue’s opinion) for that day, and I will salivate at the thought of it.

 I had TWO of those snacks on the menu today.  One of them, the first of the morning, was a magnificent mix of sausage and eggs with non-fat cheese!  I microwaved my breakfasty mix, and hurried it back to my desk! 

“YAY!!! GIVE ME ALL YOUR GREASY, SALTY GOODNESS!!!!!”, I was yelling in my head.

There was one thing I had forgotten, either due to my lack of coffee intake at this point in the morning, or perhaps due to the “blondeness gene” that is my scapegoat.  After microwaving sausage, it is as HOT AS A VOLCANO.  The inside of my mouth became one, giant, scorched piece of flesh with which I could no longer taste food for hours afterward!

My first delicious snack had been ruined by my own ditzy actions.

I did not lose heart or hope!  I still had an apple and celery, onto which I was going to smear TONS OF DELICIOUS PEANUT BUTTER!! And since the peanut butter was organic and natural, I had no guilt whatsoever over my plans of doing so.

And so the time came for my second snack of the day…my food salvation…my Tuesday’s DELIGHT!  I waltzed to the break-room with a triumphant twinkle in my eye, and gleefully opened the refrigerator.  (Side note to those of you who do not know, Organic peanut butter must be refrigerated.)  I reached in and snatched the jar that had “Leah” inscribed on the top!  MY VERY OWN JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER WAS READY TO BE CONSUMED FOR THE FIRST TIME!

That’s when I realized something…and my eyes changed from their gleaming smirks to a downcast haze.  When I had first purchased the peanut butter and brought it in to work, I did not open and stir it before placing it in the fridge.  So now, I was face to face with two layers in that jar.  The top layer was the peanut oil, still separated from the butter, and hardened by the cool temperature.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(To be continued….maybe.)

Fat Random Ramble

Sometimes, I forget to eat.  And by “sometimes”, I mean “once every few months”!  I adore food WAY too much.  I suppose you could say that I’m actually a fat girl trapped inside a mediocre-sized girl’s body.  Here are a few ways I know this is true:

–Today, I walk by my boss’s desk, and he is eating a variation of potato chip.  My immediate urge was to walk over, scoop them all into my hand, and then stuff them into my mouth. 

–Sometimes, I black out while eating cake, and completely forgot that I ate it, so that I can justify eating Casey’s pizza a mere two hours later.

–I can’t bring ranch in my lunchbox for veggie dipping.  Doing so would ensure my drinking the dressing directly from the container and forgetting the vegetables’ existence.

–When my sister in law asks me, “Leah, can you help me decorate for your nephew’s 2 year b-day party on Saturday?”, I hear, “Leah, there will be cake and chips on Saturday that you need to help me eat, or I’ll die.”

–I am eating THREE pieces of dark chocolate right NOW after debating for the entire past 5 hours if I should eat ONE.

–If someone asked me if I would join a cheese-eating contest, I would join instantaneously, without question, and offer to take any leftover cheese home with me when it was over.  (It would not make it home with me, because I would finish it off in the car before arriving there.)

–Gravy: I love it.

The list goes on…