Tag Archives: #leahwouldblog

Best Friends and Victoria’s Secret

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Of ALL the items I could possibly forget….it had to be THOSE!!  *sigh*

I was determined to make it to yoga at 6:30am.  As a precaution and preparation, I packed my gym bag last night.  I had to make sure I had three outfits ready.  A workout outfit to wear to yoga (then wear again for cardio) that I could just have ready to throw on after my shower, etc, an office outfit to change into after yoga, and another “work workout” outfit to change into at 5:00 for my second job. 

Everything was laid out–I had my clothes, my shoes, my other shoes, and made a mental note to wear my snowboots, too!  I CONFIDENTLY thought I was prepared………

Fast forward to this morning.  I trekked into work, all of my bags and shit in tow, and happily joined Rebecca and Xi for some early morning enlightenment.

My “enlightenment”, however, came AFTER yoga, in the shower room, as I changed into my work attire….and discovered that I had no underwear or bra to change into!!!  FACK!

This is when I frantically texted both Heidi and Heather, pleading for ANY extra bra they might have. (I wasn’t concerned about the underwear—I can free-ball it with the best of ’em!)   I WOULD TAKE ANY SIZE, ANY COLOR, ANYTHING!!!  Because today was the day I decided to pack my new shirt (Thank you, Margo!) to wear!!  It is a cute shirt…but is also slightly sheer up top, so ‘freeballin’ with the breasticles was NOT an option!

I COULD have worn my sports bra during the morning, but after a workout, it’d be a sweaty, stinkin’ mess, and I wasn’t about to put it back on after that!

Luckily, Heather was able to deliver a couple lingerie-esque items to me in the shower room….and Heidi was able to stuff a couple in my desk drawer.  So now this place is overflowing with all the underwears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK GOODNESS FOR BEST FRIENDS AND VICTORIA’S SECRET!

Lotion ‘N’ Lights

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This morning started out quite well.  I awoke in time to come to work and jog at 6:15am, before the workday began.  I didn’t freeze to death on the way in, and I actually remembered to pack ALL my clothes for the day! 

After my run and some foam rolling, I retreated to the women’s locker/shower room.  Everything seemed normal up to this point.  In fact, aside from standing like a flamingo in the shower while attempting to shave my legs, things were going quite well.

It was after my shower, when I opened the side-pocket of my gym bag, that I discovered something amiss.  Apparently, Bath and Body Works’s new lotion bottle does not prefer to remain closed in a gym bag.  In fact, their new bottle design would much rather leak the silky, scented stuff in excess ALL OVER EVERYTHING!  So I’m standing there in a towel, smearing some of the extra lotion onto my legs and planning on cleaning up the mess, when…

*click!*

…..the lights go out.  Apparently I was not moving around enough in the locker room for the motion sensors to deem any light necessary. 

It turns out that I can masterfully apply lotion in the dark!  I only ALMOST fell ONE time! 

Then I walked out of the stall to make the lights turn back on…they didn’t come one.  I began waving my hands around….still no luck.  I had to walk to the entrance of the locker room before the lights returned!  If someone had been watching with night-vision goggles, I’m sure they would have been amused.  Then again, if the lights came on and I saw someone standing there in night-vision goggles, it would probably freak me out a little bit.  (ACTUALLY–I’d just go “ninja” on their ass, using the straightener and blow dryer as nunchucks!!!)

So then it was time to go to work…..I would have worn my necklace today, but it is currently covered in lotion, because amidst the light ordeal, I completely forgot to clean up the mess in my bag.

Dumbfounded Face

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These past few days (and perhaps even the entire week) can really be somewhat summed up in a series of ditzy moments and bouts of anxiety, made by yours truly.

It began on Wednesday night, with a simple purchase.  I had planned on going up the street to CVS after work to buy cheese and wine, because Heather and I were going to have a quiet evening together as a belated birthday “celebration”.  This task sounds simple enough, of course, and at first, I had no worries about it.

 I walked in, trotted straight to the refrigerated wine section, and made my choice—a chilled sauvignon blanc.  I tucked it under my arm as I decided to also add a 6-pack of lo-carb beer to my purchase.

 This is where the anxiety began. 

IMMEDIATELY, my mind began to imagine myself dropping the bottle of wine, leaving broken debris of glass on the ground amidst a giant puddle of alcohol!  Of course, if this happened, I knew that a shard would undoubtedly manage to stab my leg, and then I would probably fall and writhe in pain ON TOP OF THE OTHER SHARDS, with the fermented grape-juice increasing the feelings of pain displeasure!  I would probably end up losing an eye as well….somehow, I WOULD LOSE AN EYE!

So, I stood there for a good 5 seconds, playing this scenario out in my head and debating on whether or not I should put the wine back and  retrieve a shopping cart JUST FOR THE WINE.  A cradle of safety…with wheels….

No…

I walked…..and even with the wine propped under my arm, feeling slick against the material of my coat, I continued…

“Don’t drop the wine, don’t drop the wine, don’t drop the wine…”

I repeated the mantra to myself fervently while carefully walking down the aisle towards the dairy products.

That’s when I discovered a problem.

THERE…………WAS………….NO……………CHEESE!

How can a store sell wine and no cheese!!!???  I took this as a sign that I had better escape that place….and SOON.

I rushed to the counter, while continuing to repeat to myself the warning of NOT letting gravity overtake my wine bottle, and paid for my goods.

I had made it…..but like I mentioned earlier……This….was JUST the beginning.

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From CVS, I headed to Heather’s house, with the grim news that I failed to find cheese.  Since I am unfamiliar with where the grocery stores are in the area, we decided to ride together to find our cheese-dinner.

After visiting TWO grocery stores, one of which seemed like some place from a horror film that might include banjos and gunfights, we had obtained an array of cheeses and crackers.  It was finally the time to sit on the couch and visit while sipping wine and bingeing on brie!

I triumphantly stood in the kitchen as I asked heather for the wine opener.  With an air of authority and great meaning, I placed it atop the bottle and began to screw it down…….

(20 minutes later)

I realized that trying to open a bottle of wine with a corkscrew IS NOT EASY when the wine doesn’t have a cork!  (It was a screw off lid.  Of course **disgruntled smirk**)

Also, a circle-shaped-container of brie is a lot easier to open than we tried to make it out to be.  You just open it.  There is no pull-string on the outside of the container.  EVEN IF you look for the said string for a solid 5 minutes, it will not materialize.

The rest of that night was good…as far as I can remember.

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And then it was Thursday.  Most of the day went by without a flaw (unless I’m merely blocking out any mishaps due to the fact that they scarred me and I don’t want to recall them). 

5:00pm hit.

 It was time for me to go downstairs and change into clothes for my second job.  So, I grab all of my essentials—my gym bag, my purse, my water bottle, my lunchbox… (This is probably why the security guard, refers to me as a ‘Bag Lady’.)…and I head to the stairwell to trek down to the floor below, where there are rooms to change my clothes. 

As I descend the stairs, I feel the pocket on my hip, where my security badge should be.

It’s GONE.

It was now past 5:00, and everyone in my department had left for the day, but I was STUCK IN THE STAIRWELL!!!  I could not enter any doors without my badge, and I didn’t want to try to climb down 10 more flights of stairs, in heels, while holding all these bags, JUST so I could try to change clothes in MY CAR before heading to work.  This would not do!!!

**panic**

So, I called the only person who I KNEW would still be in the building—Cory, our trainer in the fitness room.

One ring…

(feeling anxiety again)

Two rings…

(fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck!  I am going to be stuck!!!!!)

Three rings…

(AAAAACK!)

FOUR RINGS….

That was it.  I was going to be stuck there and it would just be the PINNACLE of my effing day!!!!

Then, he answered! 

**gasp**

“I need help!!” 

I’m sure I sounded like a complete psycho as I quickly spat the words into my phone, and I felt like a total jerk, interrupting his training session with other clients.

But, I was no longer trapped.  The door opened, and I rushed through it, spouting thanks.  And….at the same time….I looked into my purse.

Guess what was there!

(You know those moments where you just want to CONK yourself on the head and yell ‘DOY!’? 

Yah…those completely and utterly ditzy and idiotic moments…..)

My expression of gratitude quickly turned to words of apologies, mixed with slight embarrassment.

The night, along with my idiot-mixed-with-klutziness tendencies, did not end there.

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Fast forward to 8:30pm, and I am at a cash register with a line of people doing their Christmas shopping.  The phone has been ringing off the hook the entire evening.  I DO have a phone at my station, so I have been answering it in between (and some during) helping customers. 

At this time, I answered a call that went something like this:

Me: Good evening! This is ****(place I work)***; How may I help you?

(The next customer walks up and is in front of me in line at this point.)

Man-Customer on phone: (Irate voice) Yah, I just called a bit ago and I was transferred to one department, then placed on hold, then the phone was answered and I was immediately put back on hold.  Now, I want you to NOT put me on hold and ask over your walkie if you have a (fill in blank w/ item here).  DO NOT put me on hold!

Me: Of course! I am so sorry about that.  Let me ask someone if we have that for you!

I set receiver down and immediately began my request over the walkie.  After this, I picked up the receiver to let the customer know that I WAS ON THE BALL!! I was going to get this figured out for him, and he no longer had to be upset!!! 

**Receiver cord comes loose and detaches from phone.  Phone line is dead.**

At this moment, I stand there…awestruck.  And the people standing in front of me, the customers who witnessed the entire thing, have the same expression on their face.  The only words that could describe this:

“THAT…..JUST…..HAPPENED.”

I’m sure the man on the phone was BEYOND pissed off, but at least the people in front of me were nice and empathetic towards my situation.  They smiled, and I’m sure that if they felt it was appropriate, they would have patted me on the head with sympathy.

“It’ll be okay…it’ll be okay…don’t be upset, little ditzy girl…” I imagined they were saying inside their heads.

(Move ahead another hour.)

I am now the only cashier in the front of the store.  Luckily, we are not as busy as we were, but I still have a steady flow of customers. 

That’s when my credit card/pen-pad device started moving sluggishly while processing.  I figured out it was because, again, my phone was having issues.  But this time, it was the OTHER cord that had come loose.  I pushed it in tighter.

Problem solved………………or was it?

Next customer—my scanning gun began adding charges to the items that weren’t there!! 

I DID NOT SCAN A $20 PRODUCT!!!! I ONLY SCANNED THE $1 ST JUDE DONATION!!! WTF!! ???

My scan-gun was haunted.  I was sure of it! It HAD TO BE what was going on!!!!! I soon saw that the phone cord had become completely unplugged, so I jammed it back into the phone harder, and it slid all the way in.

THANK GOODNESS!! That must’ve fixed it…right?

No.  Haunted scan-gun.  A little demon in that red scanning light that was adding and changing charges on every UPC I scanned. 

It was time to call the manager.  And, it wasn’t just ANY manager last night.  It was Steven–the manager who is in charge of the other managers/leads. 

THE…BIG….STORE….MANAGER! 

I moved to another station and began helping the line of people that had formed, while Steven began to battle with my possessed scanner/phone/computer.

The first station I moved to had no cash in the drawer, so I had to move yet again…which merely caused more time to go by, but at least it took me a little further away from the SCANNER PHANTOM!!!

While continuing to ring people up, I watched Steven out of the corner of my eye as he tore things apart, messed with the phone, and basically began what I considered, “The Exorcism of the Scanner”.

Something strange followed….something unexpected.

He began chuckling…and the chuckling turned to laughter.  At this point, I think, “Oh NO!! That is the laughter that happens when someone is frustrated!! That thing will never be fixed!  He can’t find the issue, and he is laughing out of aggravation!…or maybe the ghost that was haunting the scan-gun IS NOW TAUNTING HIM!! IS THAT THE GHOST LAUGHING???????  FUUUUUCK!!!”

The last customer walked away, and my laughing boss walked over to me.  This was it.  I was about to get completely slimed with that ghost goo that I only thought existed in “Ghostbusters”!   All of the items would begin flying off the shelves AT ANY MINUTE!!!!

I brace myself.

“Leah, you plugged the phone cord into the HANGING WALL JACK on the phone.  It’s fine now.”

**Dumbfounded look appeared on my face….again.**

It was not laughter of frustration, nor was it laughter from being haunted….  It was the kind of laughter that says, “This girl…did she really…? Yes…yes, she did….wow.”

Welcome to my life………this week.

 

 

Tuesday Museday

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Today-Simply-Randomly-Written:

8:10am

A paraphrased conversation with a fellow employee this morning:

Susie:  I brought in more flavors of coffee today, so we aren’t stuck drinking the cat-piss kind.

Me: Oh yay!! What kinds?

Susie:  I got Toasted Pecan and Hazelnut; I bought the big bags, so you all can choose whatever flavor you want today.

Me: Oooh yum!!  What kind do you want?

Susie: Oh it doesn’t matter to me.

Me: Well, I vote for the nut one!

Susie:……………………they’re both nuts.

Me: Oh yah. (In my mind, I clearly meant “pecan”, but obviously, my logic is often nonsensical…especially when I lack coffee.)

This conversation gives proof to my “ditzy blonde” tendencies, from which I fear I will never escape! :)

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8:45am

Today is Heather’s birthday.  I decided I wanted to make it extra special, so I sent her a gift.  It should arrive in an envelope at some point later this morning.  Just a simple token of my affection:  A ziploc bag with pecans in it, labeled with a post it that reads, “Deez Nuts”.

Is there any other better gift during office hours for one’s birthday?  I doubt it.  Fuck flowers…this means SO much more!

(Okay, I know I’m full of it right now, but I am just super excited for her to receive them, and I hope she laughs her butt off!)

(10:30am—She sent me a text–pretty sure my mission was accomplished. *grin*)

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9:45am

Today, I received a “Merry Christmas” from one of my contacts at another business.  I thought that was sweet, so I had to send a Christmas Cat-Meme back.  ‘Tis the season for laughter!  (She loved it, btw.)

**COMMENCE WITH SENDING ALL THE CHRISTMAS MEMES!!!**

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1:00pm

The Christmas luncheon is over.  I am completely stuffed.  And upon someone opening up a gift that included almond coffee, Susie decided to call out to me, “Leah! There’s another nut for ya!!”  

Pretty sure everyone was confused and perhaps amused. 

Apparently, the theme of today is nuts.

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Nuts nuts NUTS…..and more nuts…………The End.

By the way…

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Just so you know, I’m still here!

Apparently, two jobs makes it very difficult to blog!  Gee, who knew!!?? ;)

So, until I can find/make time to write down some funny and/or embarrassing stories about myself, here are some of my “Random Rambling/s”.  I hope my brain is laughable today…maybe if I add some more coffee…. (YES, Caffeine is my answer to almost everything.)

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I like the taste of oranges, but I detest peeling them!  This is generally what happens:

-Try peeling orange with fingernail–fingernail becomes full of pulp

-Clear out pulp from fingernail, attempt a second time to peel the fragrant fruit

-Fingernail bends backwards, small cry of pain escapes mouth

-Borrow orange peeler; begin peeling

-Juice squirts into face

-stab orange with pointy end of orange-peeler

-Juice runs down arm

-wipe juice off with napkin; borrow giant knife

-cut orange into quarter sections

-attempt to peel with fingernails again, obtaining more rind under the nails during the process

-juice squirts into hair

-throw the orange in the trash; go to store to stock up on canned Mandarin oranges

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Totally kidding on the plural of “Ramble”….you only get this ONE…for now. :)

Static Cling HAIR FACE ACK!

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Does anyone else imagine that a static-full hair against one’s face feels like spider webs?

 It’s like I’m just sitting at my desk, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, an invisible spider flies by my face, bringing its web with it! 

**Tickle, tickle, tickle….Complete freak-out and frustration!!!!!!**

Times like this, for a split second, I’m tempted to shave my hairs off.  Then, I remember that freezing temperatures are here along with the dry, static-charged air.  Perhaps a tickle across the face from time to time is better than a frozen scalp.

Perhaps.

Flu is STUPID

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On Friday, this past weekend held promise.  I was looking forward to Saturday, when there would be some live music enjoyed with my little brother, and then Sunday held the possibility of seeing a new movie and enjoying a little girl-date-time!  After surviving two shifts of working Black Friday, I assumed (incorrectly) that I was invincible!

That night, I attempted to sleep.  Unfortunately, my body had other plans.  IT decided to catch the flu and make me miserable for the ENTIRE night, and then for most of the remaining weekend.  After running to the bathroom about five times between 2am and 4am, I finally yacked.  It was HORRIBLE!  It had been so long since I’d thrown up from being that sick that I’d forgotten the shame that comes along with vomit+toilet water splashing back up onto the face. 

So there I was, puke-covered face, feeling like utter shit, and seriously lacking sleep.  A quick rinse and tooth-brushing later, I attempted sleep again.  I think I MIGHT have gotten an hour of shut-eye in before darting back to the bathroom for round two of puke-a-rama!  The following two days consisted of a lot of sleep and pathetic-ness.

Some things I had forgotten, and unfortunately re-learned this past weekend:

Throwing up is a full body workout, and manages to suck every ounce of strength out of you.

A body full of sore muscles on top of a hurting stomach sucks all the balls!

Campbell’s “Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup” is disgusting, and only seven bites of it are tolerable.

If you’re going to be sick, don’t eat Cheetos right before bed.

The cat and dog really want you to feel better, but don’t realize that flopping down on your stomach makes it worse.

The days of sitting at home and enjoying “The Price is Right” are over.  Being sick totally sucks.

I would rather work eight hours on a Saturday than be sick.

 

So here’s hoping for this next week and weekend!  Maybe it be more fun and less sick!

This Kinda Sucks

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I had to clean my beautiful, glittery cup today.  It had been sitting all night, half-full of water, and who knows what germs were teeming by this morning?!  SO….I poured soapy water inside the cup…hot, sudsy water of CLEANNESS!  As I scrubbed, I realized that I should also clean the straw.  The best way to get liquid into the straw is to suck it up into it, right?  My plan was to suck the hot, soapy water just far enough to fill most of the straw, then let it fall back into the cup; then, I could finish scrubbing/rinsing. 

I had PLENTY of practice doing this is a kid with soda-pop.  It was like a fun little game!  “How far up could you make the liquid go without it actually reaching your mouth?” is what the game was called.  Well something like that…perhaps that title is too long, but you get the point.

The result of this non-caffeinated, fuzzy logic ended the only way it could have.

Yes, I accidentally drank hot, dish-soap water this morning.

It was then time to kill it with coffee:  Hazelnut coffee…with hazelnut creamer….HAZEL-ON-HAZEL ACTION to cleanse the mouth of soap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Thank you, Tina and Susie, for all the flavored coffee/creamer…otherwise, I may taste nothing but liquid-orange dish soap for the rest of my day.)

It’s a Happy Friday Beginning!

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From time to time (In other words, EVERY stinkin’ day for me), things happen without my immediately realizing it, and when I DO finally figure it out, it confirms the fact that often, certain outside forces beat me at life….or something like that.

Almost every morning, on my normal workday rush, not only do I drive to work, but I also tend to call upon my multi-tasking skills and eat breakfast, plus do my makeup while in the car.  (Don’t be concerned….I have enough damn stoplights on my way in to work that there is plenty of time that I’m not actually in a moving vehicle while doing these things.  Okay, Mom?  DON’T…WORRY!)

This particular morning, I grabbed an ever-so-nutritious protein bar for breakfast.  This flavor was “Caramel Nut”, and included being half-way dipped into some sort of protein, caramel-flavored “icing”.  The stuff is DELICIOUS, so I ate it as quickly as a ravenous wolf! 

Commence with the makeup application! 

Some days, the brush drops into my lap, and I’m left with a bit of light shimmer on my pants.  It wipes off fairly easily.  I only fear the day that the brush drops underneath my seat, for my car will surely eat it, and I will never see it again!  At that point, I will only have my fingertips to apply my eye-shadow, and then I’ll undoubtedly “accidentally” wipe them off afterwards on something…like my seat….or shirt….or arm.  Probably my arm, just to see how many people notice that the streaks of color on my appendages make me look like a homeless chimney sweeper when I arrive to work.  At least then I could burst into song and start referring to my coworkers as “Mary Poppins”.  They would only EXPECT something that absurd at this point.

I digress…back to the protein bar!  After arriving to work, AND riding the elevator (WITH PEOPLE…people of OTHER businesses in this building) to my floor, and then sitting at my desk, I finally LOOK DOWN at my pants.  (I should seriously consider keeping a mirror in my car.) The icing that I had Loooooooved so much earlier apparently loved me back!!  It had decided to partially break off from the breakfast bar and smear itself all over the CROTCH region of my pants!!  White “icing” on my black pants…I can only IMAGINE what my fellow elevator-riders must have thought! 

It’s just another day where gravity, along with my klutz factor, WINS against me. 

Happy Friday, You Guys!  Please pass the coffee…

A Memory from the Rock Band Days

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The band had just finished a fast-paced song, and the dance floor was clearing out as the mood changed to slow and sweet.  (In other words, everyone in the crowd was heading to get a refill on their beer before returning to slow dance in front of us.)  I stood, singing a rock ballad (probably Journey or Bon Jovi), and stared into the crowd.  After years of singing on a stage, I had no nervousness, and could easily watch and/or interact with a crowd while belting out a tune. 

As I glanced to the right of the dance floor in front of me, I noticed a young woman wandering to its edge, tugging her man behind her.  I assumed it was the regular “forcing the man to dance with her” situation.  This was fairly common.  I’ll admit I’ve been guilty of doing this from time to time.  But as I continued into the second verse, I took a closer look at the couple. 

I recognized that the woman was one of the avid dancers from during the previous song, someone who had been jumping around with so much glee(and by ‘glee’, I mean ‘drunkenness’) that she had fallen quite a few times, mid-dance.  A little too many twirls and whirls for her, I suppose.  Again, I’m guilty of this from time to time as well, so there’re no judgments here!  I always enjoyed watching people have a good time to our music.

Then, I took a closer look.  She was remaining poised by the edge of the dance floor with her guy.  I found this odd since she was so happy to dance all over that floor just a few minutes ago, so I decided to pay a little more attention to what was going on.  That is when I noticed her pointing towards the ground while saying something to her man.  My eyes followed where she was pointing (discreetly, of course), and that’s when I saw it. It was like, for a just a moment, in total sloooooow motion……

BEHOLD!! THE CHICKEN CUTLET!!!  (

Men, if you don’t know already, I’m talking about the fake, rubber boobs that some women put into their bras to amplify their cleavage.  Spoiler alert!!!)

It’s a good thing my mouth was ALREADY agape at this point, because if it hadn’t been, my jaw probably would have dropped at that point.  Apparently, while dancing previously, the fake, rubber bra-stuffer had come right out of her shirt!  Not only was it sitting there on the dance floor, but she was not even willing to retrieve it!  She commanded her man do it. 

And YES….he did.  He fetched it and brought it back to her…..back to it’s home…next to her boob.

IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME NOT TO BURST INTO LAUGHTER, MID-SONG!!!

I managed to keep my composure.  Don’t ask me how, I haven’t a clue!! 

To this day, that band-days memory gives me grins. :)

Random Ramblings 11-7

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I’ve decided that the male voice of our building’s elevators is malicious.  I mean, I hardly think that it’s a good thing to hear a menacing, robotic voice telling me I’m “going down”!  That just sounds like a threat to me.  They should just add “Sucka” to the end of the voice recording and be done with it!  Can you imagine?

You push the button with the down arrow picture on it, and the doors of the elevator open, warmly inviting you in…so you think.  Then, you press the button representing your desired floor, and the doors promptly CLOSE, trapping you inside the metal box, and a robotic voice exclaims, “You’re Going Down, SUCKA!”

Actually…they really should set the elevators up like that.  It’d be hilarious!

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Why has nothing been invented to alter taste buds?  I would love it if I could make cauliflower taste like Doritos.  I would eat ALL THE CAULIFLOWER.  What else?  Oh!  I want this taste-bud alter machine to also have texture capabilities…..anything soggy would be perceived as crunchy! YES!!!! 

Someone invent this…and then give me one…for Christmas. Thanks!

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Last night, I had a weird dream.  I’ll spare the details, but the gist of it is this:

Shannon and I bought a pig in Asia for a pet.  We brought it home.  I had a whole section of our deck set up for our new, little pet, complete with a blown up vanity. (I don’t know why.)  After bringing our little guy home, Shannon reads that there’s some disease that he can get, and now we have to get rid of the pig.  But I argue that the article he read says that the only way the pig will catch the disease is if we feed him an incredibly large amount of cake, and as long as we just never give him cake, we’ll be fine.  Shannon still doesn’t want to take that chance, and I’m all upset and trying to figure out how to keep our pig…..then I wake up.

WTF?

 

A Typical H & L Conversation

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You probably know Heather as my only guest blogger on here thus far.  She and I, as I’ve mentioned, have very similar thinking patterns.  So, a typical conversation for us goes a little like what you will read below, which was an actual convo we had today.  It’s mostly quoted, though a few parts are slightly paraphrased.

Also, Heather, I love you…thank you for allowing me to share our craziness on the internets…where EVERYONE can see it.  (Regretful yet?  Too bad! *grin*)

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Heather: I’m back down to ***lbs, and that’s after repeatedly eating candy for dinner!  Universe is throwing me SERIOUS BONES this week.

Me:  SO I SHOULD JUST EAT CANDY FOR DINNER!!?????  I think the Universe took your extra lbs and stuck them on me instead.

Heather:  YES, THAT’S THE SECRET….eat candy…and hoard things.  The weight will MELT OFF!!  LIKE THE CHOCOLATE ALL OVER YOUR FACE AND HANDS!! 

Me: Baaaahaha!! I love that visual.

Heather: Me too.  Partially because eating that much chocolate would make meh pret-tay happeh.

Me:  You’re talking to a girl who’s eaten three of those mini Snickers bars today….and who is now eyeing the candy dish……..AGAIN.  (Yes, I ate two or three more candy bars after this….because I need to ‘lose weight’. *wink*)

Heather: I’ve been soothing my soul with whoppers (at home) and Jolly Ranchers (here). 

(Let me clarify that Heather is NOT talking about giant hamburgers, but rather, the small malt ball candies….just in case you were confused.  If it were me, I probably WOULD be talking about the burgers…because malt balls are gross, awful creations.)

Me: And I’ve been satisfying mine with Snickers (here) and Doritos (at home)…….

………..

………..(pause for reluctant confession)…….

………And Twix. (here and home)

Also, I found that carrots are bearable again…….IF YOU CHASE THEM WITH A SNICKERS!!!!!! EVERYWHERE.

(Something was said about having hummus for carrots and forgetting hummus exists and yadda yadda…)

Heather: This basil and chive hummus (pretty unique) tastes like sunshine and rainbows!

Me: I’ve always wondered what those taste like!! Please tell me they also taste as if they’re laced with glitter!!!

Heather: They taste like filthy leprechauns.

Me:  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                 Thank you for that…thank you for my SPITTING WATER ONTO MY KEYBOARD out of laughter!! That f*cker needed a cleaning anyways….it was full of Snickers crumbs, I’m pretty sure…

Heather:  Ha! I turned my keyboard upside down a couple weeks ago and used the canned air……gross.  I could’ve made a second meal out of what came out.  (Was that too gross of a visual?  Probably.)

Me: At least it would have likely been a high-protein, high-fiber meal….complete with a topping of skin flakes…or SCURF, so I’m told!  Did you ever hear that term?? I bet you have.  Beth shared it with me.  She HATES the word.  I should Instant message it to her now.  I think I will……

(I most assuredly did……..she said it was a “low, low blow”. Hee hee…)

Have a Happy Tuesday, Ya’ll!!

Art & Aliens

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All had been calm for three hours.  Not a peep was heard from the sleeping toddler upstairs in the white bedroom.

At least, that’s what my babysitter told my mother many years ago.  Mom’s immediate response was a facial expression full of surprise and alarm.  If her little Leah had been quiet for three solid hours, something was NOT RIGHT with the world.  She rushed past her friend and charged up the stairs to the spare room, where I was supposedly napping.

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(Three hours earlier)

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Mom was making me stay at her friend’s house for awhile.  She had to run errands or work or something–obviously do a great, FUN THING  where a young girl was not allowed to join.  I GUESS I didn’t mind; surely the place where I was to be temporarily abandoned had toys. 

EVERYONE has toys.  Those who didn’t….well I figured they must be aliens from another planet.  And SURELY my mom wouldn’t leave me alone with aliens…..surely……..

Shortly after my mother delivered me to this person’s house, I was stuck in a bright, white room and expected to sleep.  I lied on the bed for AT LEAST four million years (aka 20 min. in real time), and decided it was boring. Naps are stupid.  I figured I had better look for the toys.  I sat up and peered at my surroundings.

Where were the toys?

I saw pillows….blankets…a dresser…white carpet….THERE WAS NOTHING FUN IN THIS ROOM.

What an upsetting revelation!! My mother LEFT ME WITH ALIENS!!!!!  I arose from the bed and began to wander around the room, contemplating how they might experiment on me; for a fleeting moment, I thought about crying, but then…

What I found in the drawers in front of a mirror was FAR better than toys.  A smile began to form on my face….

It slowly spread wider…

…and wider still! 

The grin could hardly contain my excitement!!!

Displayed in front of me in all their glory were tubes of lovely, red paint!!  It smelled sort of funny, and it didn’t taste quite like paint, but it worked JUST the same!!  (In case you don’t realize it, this was not paint, but lipstick.)

  I set about my task.  Surely, I would receive many pats on the head and marvelous compliments from my overseers/prison-guard aliens. Then, after they saw the beauty of my artwork, they may decide that my brain was far too precious to scramble.  Plus, they would HAVE to show me where all the toys were!

I would get to play WITH THEM ALL!!!!  I would be the PRINCESS OF ALL TOYS!!  Or even better—QUEEN!!!!  My rule of the alien-toy kingdom would be written in the history books as the greatest that ever was!!!

I slowly unsheathed the smooth, red “paint”.

Then, I began with the dresser, and moved swiftly to the carpet.  The bedspread and walls were splashed with the deep hue shortly after.  I had no cares that I was also becoming covered in the cherry-colored mess.  This was hard work, and I was going to do a DAMN fine job!!!!

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(Three hours later)

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My mother opened the door, with the homeowners close behind her.  I smiled up with all the glee I could muster…I was ready for my crown, for my toy-subjects, and for all my praise!

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My memory gets fuzzy at that point, but I am told that I was never left to be babysat by that couple again….ever.

Apparently, aliens don’t know what ART is.

Painting…BS!

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Since it’d been awhile, I was re-visiting my old Livejournal.  I found this entry, and decided I should share it here. :)  I may add or change it a little bit, if I feel the need, though….just a few little tweaks…..

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I had a memory re-surface this morning, though I’m not sure what caused it.  When I was little (pre-K age), for a short time, I attended a daycare called La Petite Academy…I hated this place with every fiber of my being.  The older kids were often jerks, calling me names like “slow poke”, and I did not like the teachers, either, because I thought they came off as bossy and rude.  (In case you’re wondering, I didn’t have to go to that place very long.  I, shortly after, attended a delightful little at-home preschool!  Mrs. Aidy, I still think fondly of you!) 

Anyways…there was one day in particular that I was actually excited, because we were going to have the chance to play with paint!  The teacher spread this gigantic piece of majestic, white paper in front of me as I sat there, grinning from ear to ear!  Then, the ketchup-bottle-shaped containers full of that wondrous, colorful, oozy liquid were placed on the table…

JUST…

out of…

reach. 

I could just SMELL the stuff!  It almost made my fingers tingle in excitement!!!  I longed to grab one and begin squirting it onto the paper with all my might, to show ALL OF THE WORLD what wonders I had hidden in my imagination, just WAITING to escape through the medium of paint!

Then…the unthinkable happened.  I saw paint raining down in front of me, onto the paper.  As I slowly turned my widening eyes upwards, I saw that the teacher was squirting random designs with the three primary colors onto MY piece of paper!!

“Perhaps, she is merely showing me an example of what I COULD do, and this isn’t my piece of paper.  Perhaps MY piece is still coming! Perhaps….”

As I pondered these things to myself, trying not to get upset at the creative outlet that seemed to be slipping from my preschool fingers, the teacher proceeded to fold the paper in half, pressing the paint in between the folds. 
Then, she cheerily (Actually, to me it sounded more like DEVIOUSNESS from an evil witch!!!) told me to unfold the paper.  I did so.  She then cooed and cheered at the artwork I had made!  For a moment, I was dumbfounded.

I DIDN’T DO IT!!  THIS WAS A LIE!! SHE CHEATED ME OUT OF MY FIRST MASTERPIECE!!!!!!!!!!  

If I had KNOWN the word “bullshit” at this point in my life, I surely would have yelled it from the mountaintops!
“Nobody look at this!! Do NOT transfix your gaze onto this fraudulent piece of BULLSHIT!”

Pretty sure I sulked the rest of that day, but at that point, my memory becomes a bit hazy.

I assume I blocked it out….due to the pain.

Dorito Dilemma

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Today, I attempted to pretend my protein bar was a bag of Cool Ranch doritos.  It did not work.  So, I decided it would be worth it to cough up the 40 cents and buy a small bag of the beloved chips. 

I dug through the abyss, aka the bottom of my gigantic purse/bag.  Along with some wrappers and crumbs (HOW THE HELL…????), I pulled out some coins.  JUST ENOUGH!! It had to be a sign.  I was MEANT to eat those chips!

I practically skipped to the cubicle that holds our beloved office-snack treasures, and I opened the drawer that holds the chips and crackers.  For a moment, I thought I heard angels…and a small bit of light seemed to eminate from the drawer! 

This light was QUICKLY dashed as I realized…..there…..were……NO…..DORITOS!!!!  Nothing but potato chips and Sun Chips!! These are NOT what I craved!!!

I wandered back to my desk in defeat, a small, figurative tear rolling down my cheek.