All posts by LeahWould

About LeahWould

Writing, Reading, and Singing are a few of my favorite things to do. Walks on the beach are pretty awesome, except they're rare, because I'm landlocked in Kansas City, MO. I also enjoy making people smile/laugh! This is probably one of the most generic "about you"'s you've read all f*cking day....maybe even all d@mn year!! Some people say I cuss like a sailor.

Morning Schmorning!!!

Typical Morning…

3:00am

“No…..that clock has to be wrong. I think I’ve only been asleep an hour, and it’s still dark outside. It’s not 7:00am”

**Checks phone. Realizes cat has changed time on clock. Fixes time.**

3:30am

“Neko…no…you already have food. You don’t NEED water from the faucet. You have fucking ice water in your bowl. NO, CAT!”

3:45am

“Cat…stop walking on the alarm clock and forcing it to make sounds.  Stop it. FINE…more foods for you…now go away….”

**Drags ass out of bed to give cat more food. Fetches self glass of ice water, and is forced to share it with mewing cats.**

5:30am

“Why are alarms so loud?”

**Presses Snooze.**

6:00am

“But I’m having a dream!!”

**Presses snooze again.**

6:30am

“Damn it, I want to finish this dream!”

**Presses snooze for third time.**

7:00am

**Dreams of getting up and readying self for work.**

**Assumes sitting position to turn off alarm, which has been blaring for 10 minutes straight.**

“Shit! Why aren’t I dressed?? That dream wasn’t real?! I’m going to be late!”

**Darts out of bed, brushes teeth, jumps into shower.**

7:05am

**Debates on shaving while in shower—decides NO time.**

7:20am

**Awakes after falling asleep while standing in shower—exits shower.**

7:25am

**Dries hair halfway, throws on clothes, runs out door.**

7:30am

**Runs back into house for car-keys…and back out again.**

7:32am

**Runs back to house to lock the door, and back to car again.**

7:35am

**Cusses out every single driver in traffic while applying makeup using rear-view mirror.**

**Cusses out every red stoplight.**

8:10am

**Can’t get parking garage gate to open—reverses, drives, reverses, drives—until in EXACT SPOT for gate sensor to read sticker on car and OPEN.**

8:15am

**Curses slow elevator.**

8:18am

**Arrives at desk late…drinks all the coffee.**

To the People In My Phone: SSsshhh….Be Still. This Won’t Hurt a Bit…

Imagine the softest, most lush grass you’ve ever seen. Think about how you just want to step onto it with bare feet and feel it cushion around your toes. Then realize that lush grass isn’t real, because it was just regular grass with a filter on it and posted onto social media–a dream, a thought, a wish…not real.

I realize that is an exaggerated example of how unreal social media can be, because I know that lush grass exists in places. But looking at a picture doesn’t get me any closer to it. If I were a cow, I’d be so damn pissed, because that grass LOOKED SO FREAKIN’ SOFT AND DELICIOUS!!!!

I understand the need for and use of devices such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. It’s to share! Share all the moments, the joys, the sadness, the thoughts, and the memories. But, I think that often times we forget just how unreal it all is. Anyone can convey any persona he or she wants on social media. People sometimes end up yearning to live in someone else’s life, because they see what is posted and fantasize what it must be like. Reality is harsher and not candy-coated, but at least it’s real.

Sometimes, those feelings of “wanting” creep up on us without the realization of it even dawning on us. “Look how happy they are! Why can’t I be that happy? Why can’t I eat THAT cheesecake? Why aren’t my eyes as blue as hers? Why can’t I make dinner look so fucking pretty!!??”

Reality check: You CAN be happy and do all those things. Find your happiness…your REAL contentment! That, in itself, is a joyful thought!

What I’m saying is nothing new. Many people have said it before, and others will repeat it after me, and yet, we still all have a hard time realizing that concept as truth.

As for me…honestly…..I enjoy social media. I’m not knocking it completely. I see the values and the good parts of it. I see how the idea of it is good. BUT, sometimes I realize it is a distraction. I find myself thinking, “Oh! I should take a photo of that to post!” or “That’s funny—I should post that onto my Twitter or onto my FB Status!” or even “This should be on my snapstory!!” and “Hello, Instagram…..I have more foods for you!!!!!!!” instead of just looking at a moment and enjoying it as it is, through my real eyes, keeping it in my real memory…..not through a filtered lens or in the memory of my phone.

After awhile, I have begun to RELY on the memory of that picture saved onto my phone. My brain decides there’s no need for me to remember these things on my own, because I have it documented online. (“OH HI! I’m Leah’s brain! I don’t have to remember anything, because internet remembers ALL THE THINGS!!! What did I do last week?? Hang on..let me ask internet….”) I wonder if that’s part of the reason my memories over the past several years have been more fuzzy than they were before the crutch of social media. Well that…plus alcohol, probably. Ha!

Aside from the sharing, I also see the value in social media in order to network. It is necessary to do this if you’re someone like me. I’m in a band, trying to get its name out there so that more people attend my shows. I write a blog, and try to put that out there so that my readers might increase. Then, there are so many others…photographers, musicians/various artists, salesmen/saleswomen…all of them use this outlet, because the whole “in order to sell your product/talent, you have to sell yourself” concept becomes easier with social networking. And, some may say that nowadays, it is a necessity; I cannot disagree with that.

Again, in writing this, I’m not anti-social media. I enjoy it (too much?)……The other day, I sat at home, thinking about how I wanted to learn a certain song on piano. Instead of going into the next room and sitting down at my keyboard to figure it out, I was distracted by Facebook…which led to time lost…and then led to “Ah well, it’s too late, so I’ll just watch TV”. The next day, I had this epiphany.

It dawned on me how many things I COULD have done, COULD have worked on, COULD have achieved…but didn’t….because time and time again, I let distractions of things that were, in hindsight not that important, get in the way. The biggest distraction—internet stuffs on my phone.

In fact, I would guess that most people who began reading this have probably not even gotten to this point in this post, because it’s a lengthy blog that does not offer laughter, as most of my writings usually do. I believe we are all more easily distracted now.

THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME SO MANY TIMES!! And it is my own fault, really. I recognize that, too.

If you’ve made it all the way through this blog, my friend, I applaud you– You are not as easily distracted as me.

I’ll be deleting the social media app’s from my phone for awhile. “ Awhile” could be a couple days, a week, a couple months, or longer. I don’t know how long……..but Hey! I’ll still be blogging. *grin*

They’re Everywhere

I decided to spend my lunch break away from my desk, and since the temperature outside is nice, I headed to my car.  I opened the windows and set the seat back to relax, breathe the fresh air, and play my recent, shameful addiction (Candy Crush….please, no comments.).

It didn’t take long for me to realize I wasn’t alone.  I caught movement out of the corner of my eye, and when I turned to see what caused the movement, I found him.

A small, fuzzy spider.  I grew up calling this type of spider a “jumping spider”, but I don’t know if that is accurate. Basically, if an ewok was a spider, it would be one of these.

He had crawled inside my car through the open window and was exploring the underside of my windshield.  At first, this was funny, because a small insect was on the OUTSIDE of my windshield within the spider’s view, and Mr. Fuzzy, the spider, was chasing it. AS IF he could bite through the glass to capture that bug! Ha! Silly Mr. Fuzzy…

After a few minutes, I realized that he was wondering around and didn’t know how to exit my car.

Damn! Now I had to sit there and hope he didn’t actually jump off the windshield and onto me!

I debated on what to do. I could squash him, and leave a mass of guts and glory on the glass!  What could I use? My shoe, perhaps…..as it is a traditional weapon against arachnids….. but before I decided to possibly do this, Mr. Fuzzy moved down and out of reach.

I began to panic. 

I threw water on him…..he didn’t budge.  

Then, I tried blowing really hard so he would think a storm was coming and need to escape this strange place.

This was still to no avail. Not to mention the fact that the woman who walked by me to enter her car probably wondered what the heck I was doing…

I kept careful watch as he moved around in that crevice of the windshield…and then… I SWEAR HE LOOKED AT ME!!!

I sat there, eye to eye with this ewok-spider, and I think he laughed!

Little bastard!

I couldn’t stay there any longer! I had to escape before he inevitably catapulted his fuzzy butt onto me and bit my face as revenge for my laughing at him earlier.

I rolled up the windows and escaped back into the building.

Of course, now that I am here, I dread returning to my car, because Mr. Fuzzy could be lurking ANYWHERE!

Shit. What have I done!??

Stars of the Crowd

Being in a band means I get to see a vast array of people.  Most of the time, they are normal folks, just out and about, having a good time!  And other times, I get little “gems”.

A few weeks ago, there was a woman who entered the bar, and for whatever reason, she thought that pantyhose could substitute for pants.  I’m not talking opaque tights here…I’m talking SHEER PANTYHOSE!  (Thank God she wore underwear underneath them….)

There are a few reasons I came up with that could possibly explain this.

One, she mistook the pantyhose for jeggings and literally thought it was okay to leave the house like that.  I find this one hard to believe, considering she was a much older gal.  (I’m talking gray-haired, typical grandma age…)

Two, she actually started the night with pants and/or a skirt, and somehow due to inebriation, she lost them along the way.

Or Three, she forgot her meds that day.

Then a couple weeks ago, we played at one of our regular places.  People must’ve been in a rowdy mood that night, because a total of three of them were thrown out of the bar, including a one armed man, who had decided he could hit on a taken woman.  A cowboy chased him out.

And finally, there was this past weekend. I sang at three different venues, and at the last one, there was a young man who I’d like to call the “Creepy Spaniard”.  Self explanatory.  Luckily, I had body guards.

The live music world….It’s forever interesting….

Just A Day At The Office

It looked innocent…but then again, most sinister things do.

The thing was merely a “shred box”. In other words, a medium sized box where I throw any excess papers away throughout the months. These papers/unneeded documents, etc build up until the box is full. At that time, I tote my box over to the shred bin, deposit all the papers, and return to my desk with a new, empty box, ready to be filled by future shred-ables.

I was halfway through the stacks of papers, grabbing them by the handful, and plunging them into the slot of the bin. I have so many papers, that this chore generally takes 5-7 minutes. As I lifted a stack of papers, movement caught my eye. It was the size of a pencil eraser…and it had LEGS!

“WHAT THE FUCK!!! A SPIDER!!!!??? ACK!!!”

Of course my automatic reaction was to smash it with my handheld papers, and then jump back about three feet! I probably appeared as though I was performing some sort of backwards hopscotch….in the middle of the office! I glanced around.

Luckily, no one had noticed my little dance.

That little fucker! Not only was it hiding in my box of papers, but IT WAS WHITE!! It had adapted to blend in and practically disappear amongst the papers!!! What kind of spider is that???? It can only be some sort of breed that lives in offices!!! AN OFFICE SPIDER!!

Immediate, I began to feel itchy all over. I proceeded with caution, because for all I know, I just killed a spider-mom, and its little office spider babies were poised, ready to exact their revenge!

I began lifting up smaller piles of paper to deposit into the bin, still paying close attention to any sort of strange movement. After 5-6 of these stacks were thrown into the bin, I began to relax.

I look to my right and see Greg walking past with a bag of Cheetos. He gave a smile that said, “Heh, don’t tell anyone I’m eating these.” I gave a nervous grin back that he probably thought meant, “Your secret is safe with me.” when it ACTUALLY was silently saying, “Stay back! I’ve opened an office portal to HELL.”

I began to lift another set of papers….

THAT’S WHEN THE SECOND WHITE OFFICE-SPIDER LEAPED OUT FROM UNDER A PIECE OF PAPER, LANDED ON THE SIDE OF THE BOX AND BEGAN TO RUN UP THE WALL OF THE IT! The Office-Hell-Spider was so quick, it made it up and over the edge!

I knew it was either HIM or ME, so I took the papers in my hand, rolled them up furiously and began beating the side of the box until I knew he was smashed into oblivion!

I glanced around again, with a crazed look in my eyes.  No one had seen my ridiculous display of utter bravery, though I’m sure someone had heard it.  They heard it….and they knew better than to come around. They KNEW…there was danger lurking…..

I peered into the box, rolled papers still in hand, and fervently searched for any more of the vengeful spawn of Satan, ready and willing to kill! My eyes shone with madness. It occurred to me that may need help, so I decided to recruit backup. I could ask Kyle!! He used to be a marine, after all! He’s better suited for this sort of shit! So, I quickly walked over to his desk…

“THERE ARE SPIDERS IN MY BOX!!!!”

He just chuckled at me, and that’s when I noticed he was on the phone.

I had no help. This was all on me. I had to finish this damn job of emptying the shred box, and should any more perils come my way, it would be up to ONLY ME to fight them off!!!!

Shuddering, I continued…this time, lifting single pieces of paper at a time. I held my breath the entire time, and jumped back a couple times, too, when shadows took the resemblance of white spiders!   But I forged ahead….and completed my task!

The evil army of office-spider-demons had retreated. Until next time…

Protest is Afoot!

I intended to wear my new heels today. It’s not like they were anything special, just a regular pair of black heels, but I needed to start breaking them in. My morning began a little later than I anticipated, so needless to say, I was in a bit of a rush. One of the final tasks in my mornings is to put on my shoes before I dash out the door. I place the first of my new shoes on my foot and am pleased at how well it fits. Then I pick up a second shoe, intent on putting it on, when I realize it was not the match. It’s similar, hence the reason it was sitting next to this one, but it was NOT my new shoe’s mate!!

I began frantically searching, and to my dismay, I could NOT find the second heel!! I panicked. I looked under the bed, under the clothes I had strewn onto the floor, and then I began to throw other shoes across the room, continuing my hunt. I was already late! After a full minute of panic-mode, I found the shoe’s mate buried under several other heels, and throw it on my foot.

And thus began my new shoes’ revenge….

After strolling into work an hour late, due to the unforeseen misplacement of my car’s key-fob (That’s another story.), I take a seat at my desk.

All is well with my feet for most of the day, but then, the tell-tale signs of “new heels” began to show on the sides of my feet. The skin was being rubbed raw in the same places where it often rubs while wearing new shoes. I assumed I could make it through one day without this happening, but I really should know better than to assume shit at this point.

It was no matter! I had band-aids in my overhead compartment at my desk. The somewhat fun (yet in this case, unfortunate) fact about my band-aids here is that they have pictures of giant mustaches on them. So it was then that my feet each had their own mustaches.

What I discovered, when I arose to walk to the break room, however, was that the rubbing of the shoe onto the glossy finish of the band-aid created an extremely loud creaking noise. EVERY STEP, my feet were declaring,

“Creak..creak…creak…squeak…I’m fuckin loud…everyone watch me walk…Yes, I almost fell…fuck you, too…squeak…creak…creak….creak….quit looking at me…yes I hear the noise….pretend you don’t hear it…quit being rude!! ….creak….creak…”

I should have known from the start that these shoes did not WANT to be worn today.

Morning Gift

This morning, I awoke to find a little “present” from my cats. I imagine that when this happened, it went down something like this:

Neko (In Brooklyn accent): Yo…hey, Buddy….look! Look at her sleepin’! We didn’t even get any TREATS today. What’s you say we show her a thing or two about that, eh? She won’t wake up. Got any ideas?

Buddy (In Stoner Voice): Yah, Man….I ain’t had any catnip for like..uh…for like weeks, Man. We should do something to get her attention.

Neko: Yeah, Yeah….but what we gonna do. Knockin shit off her nightstand isn’t doing it. Chewing on her bedside lamp’s not doin’ it either. Today, you know what she did? She hid those jars of change in a drawer so I couldn’t knock it over…can you believe that?! I thought that shit was sitting there for MY playtime pleasure.

Buddy: Uh…yah…she won’t let me drink out of her glasses any more unless she’s watching me, Brah…no fun, Man….no fun. I do have an idea, Man.

Neko: Give it to me.

Buddy: When I get all like….angry or some shit at her, I like to barf on the floor, ya know?

Neko: Yah, I seen that…it’s kinda wrong….I don’t like the smell…but hey…whateva ya gotta do, right?

Buddy: Right..and uh…well she just started cleaning it up and getting used to it, so I stopped for awhile, cuz…ya know….it wasn’t doin’ anything for me but makin’ me feel bad….

Neko: Uh huh…?

Buddy: You know those shoes we like to chew on when she isn’t watchin’ us, Dude?

Neko: Yah…What about ‘em?

Buddy: Let’s go yack in ‘em, Man! When she finds those, she’ll KNOW we’re pissed off and be like, bound to do anything we command after that, right?

Neko: I can see your point….Go ahead. I’ll supervise.

And so, I didn’t get to wear today’s heels, as planned. Thanks, Guys……thanks.

A Few Rando Thoughts, 6-8-15

A Few Rando’ Thoughts Throughout my Day:

1. After watching all three Jurassic Park movies this past weekend, the incessant noises from the construction equipment outside of my building sound like dinosaurs. I’m just waiting for a velociraptor to slam through one of these doors and chomp off one of my limbs.

2. Sometimes, sitting in a chair that CAN spin…makes one feel the NEED to spin. So one does…a few times around and around…and around…or at least until the company lawyer walks up during your rotational fun and gives you a strange look. Back to work!

3. I find it odd that “Fiend” and “Friend” are different by one, little letter. Was this on purpose?

4. I’ve begun to track my water each day. My goal is to drink 100-120 ounces per day. This equates to roughly 6.25-7.5 of those generic 16 oz bottles each day. I track them with a VERY fancy-schmancy method: the Post-It method. Basically, I put a tic mark down for each bottle of water I finish. Of course, I only have my Post-Its at work, so I try to consume my water through my work day, and anything after that, I figure is bonus water! There are two things I’d like to say in regards to this:

a. If, by 4:00, I have only consumed half my water, it becomes a race to the clock to chug those last few bottles, and this results in a killer need for a bathroom break that strikes PRECISELY when I’m in my car, stuck in traffic.

b. Bonus water should taste like magical, sugary snowcones.

5. I have a philosophical question: If I eat Pringles with my eyes shut, and no one else sees me do it, either, does it still count towards my daily caloric intake?

6. Some advice: Don’t eat food with your eyes closed while at work. You COULD end up with cheesy flavor dust down your front and a fellow coworker walking up while you do it, which may lead them to believe you’re having a love affair…..with chips…..that may or may not be true.

Random Brain Stuff

Sometimes, my brain wanders to places throughout the day. It isn’t normal…..
———————————————————–

I could definitely take a nap right now. But just because I can, doesn’t mean I will. Unfortunately, a hard desk doesn’t really make the best pillow. Not only that, but if I end up drooling in my sleep, it’d form a pool on my desk, and I would probably not notice it at first. Then, I’d end up sliding a paper across my desk, no doubt something of extreme importance, and it would soak up all of the spit. The document would be ruined, and I would have to explain why I needed a duplicate.
“Sorry, Boss…I drooled all over this one by accident. Could you please give me another one so I can try again?”
——————————————————–

I have unopened, plastic utensils at my desk. There is a fork and a knife. I’m trying to remember where they came from. Most of the time, these things are packaged together. Spoon, Fork, and Knife are a family with little salt and pepper packet babies, all nestled in their plastic wrapping, alongside the soft side of a napkin.
But these utensils…the ones on my desk…they are different. They were each packaged separately. Did the plastic-ware family get a divorce? The salt and pepper packets either ran away or grew up and moved out of the home….or got eaten. Now THAT would suck….but then again, they would have died while serving their whole life’s purpose. It is just too bad they were so young….so innocent……so salty. And where the hell is the spoon?? Probably off, forking around all over town! Slutty spoon…

Is This Apple From Saudi Arabia?

All I wanted to do was eat my apple in peace. I even remembered to grab a paper towel from the kitchen so that I wouldn’t end up with a sticky, juicy mess all over my desk and documents.

Is it too much to ask—to eat my apple with no mishaps?

Apparently, it is.

My first bite ended with a piece of apple-peel stuck between my teeth. This wouldn’t normally be a problem, since I keep those flosser tooth-picks at my desk.

But those were gone, used up, completely missing from my current desk life.
A few more bites, and surely that piece would work its way out, right?

Wrong…

Well fine…I can deal with that until my apple is gone…..but what is this?

My eye!

My contact has decided to do flip-flops and summersaults, INSIDE OF MY EYE!

In an attempt to control its hijinks, I reach up with a finger to gently touch it and push it back onto my eye, so that it can suction itself to its rightful spot.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t realize that I had apple juice on that finger. I was so distracted by the apple peel wedged forever in my MOUTH, that it never even OCCURRED to me that the apple basically bled all over my hand.

IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU’RE DYING, APPLE!!! I DIDN’T PICK YOU!! I merely adopted you…to eat you and your flesh!!

“Apple blood” inside an eyeball feels horrible, especially when the contact that remains in that eye is continuing to do somersaults.

It’s not even noon yet, and the fruit world has decided to wage war on me!

And believe me…those bastards fight dirty!

I Talk to Myself Every Day

A conversation I had today with myself inside my head:

There’s ice cream in the fridge.

No…No you DON’T want it. You just ate Funyons!!

There may be mint chip in there. It would freshen my Funyon breath. I have no more gum. I should eat the ice cream to spare others in the office from smelling my mouth.

No one is going to smell your mouth. You’re sitting in front of the computer all day. Besides…you have a toothbrush and toothpaste in your overhead bin.

Oh yah….I forgot about that…but I don’t like that toothpaste.

I bet it smells better than Funyon Breath.

So does mint chip ice cream.

You just got an email. You should probably just check into that and forget about what’s in the freezer.

That’s impossible.

It’s NOT impossible! Go…do…things! Do important things and FORGET THE ICE CREAM!

I wonder if there is still chocolate syrup and toppings in the fridge. There used to be heath topping.

That would taste awful on mint chip ice cream.

How do YOU know!!?

I just KNOW….and so do you.

There’s cake batter flavor ice cream, too. I bet it would taste good on that.

It wouldn’t freshen your Funyon breath.

That’s why I need a scoop of cake batter ice cream AND a scoop of mint chip. Don’t worry! I’d eat the cake batter first and finish with the minty freshness!

STOP talking about ice cream!! You don’t want any! You only have 500 calories allocated for the REST of your day because YOU decided to eat Funyons! PLUS, you had no-bake cookies for breakfast!

Hey!!! That was oatmeal!!…….mostly……!!

Just because you logged it as oatmeal doesn’t mean it actually IS! You’ve met your sugar quota for the day. NO ICE CREAM.

But, I want it.

I don’t care.

Want…….you know, I might die without it.

WHAAAAT?!!

Yup….I really haven’t had much calcium today….and do you know what ice cream is JAM PACKED with…??

Oh, Brother….

Yup! Calcium! My bones feel weak….as in…they may crumble!! I think it has begun!!

Well, if your bones are crumbling from calcium deficiency, then there’s no way you’ll be able to walk to the kitchen for ice cream, much less scoop out the “frozen as hard as a rock” dessert.

I must act fast!!! Stop trying to stop me!!!!

YOU DON’T NEED ICE CREAM!

Yes, I DO!!!!!

DON’T!!

DO!!!!!!!!!

DON’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fine….WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….Someone took the ice cream.

The Day is Only Half Over…

Things you MIGHT have learned today:
– A cat is not an effective alarm clock. Even if it does want and beg for food at 5:00am, it will likely snuggle you back to sleep…at least for awhile…. before waking you up to the sounds of ripping book-pages next to your head. Even the gagging sound of a cat barfing will not necessarily wake you up, though you’ll be busting out some interesting dance moves after arising from bed and stepping in kitty vomit.

– As sanitizing as it may seem to use hot water to clean various objects, the same is not true for merely any scalding liquid. It would NOT behoove you to accidentally use coffee to clean your keyboard. It turns out that it merely makes things a bit stickier than before. A can of air will effectively spray and splash the liquid from the keys to all over your computer screen and desk, so using it to clean up the aforementioned spilled coffee is also a bad idea.

– The moment you realize the seam is coming undone NEXT to your zipper in your pants is the moment you realize that not ONLY do you need to lose a few…or twenty…pounds, but it’s ALSO the moment you know you should probably not stand or walk around too much at work while wearing those un-fitting pants. Also, those slacks are bastards. They should be destroyed, along with your bathroom scale. (Obviously, your ass and thighs are doing a good job of obliterating them, though, so at least you got that going for you.)

– Relying on ONLY caffeinated beverages for breakfast is potentially a bad idea. Relying on Cheez Its for lunch…is an even worse idea.

– Do not try to un-jam your co-worker’s electric stapler with objects from your desk. You’ll likely end up with staple-remover induced cuts on your hand and a failed attempt at being mechanically inclined. Besides that, look at all the paper clips you just ruined!!

Klutz Factor Today: Level 7

Blunders happen.

So does gravity.

Especially when it comes to me.

And, of course, oatmeal has to be involved as well.

It wouldn’t be a typical Monday without me slopping Quaker’s Oatmeal onto my shirt…..and pants…WHILE AT WORK.

Of course, grabbing the nearest thing next to me to clean it up resulted in Kleenex dissolving onto my just-washed, black slacks.

So now there is a light-colored stain right next to the crotch of my pants….and on the boob of my shirt.

Welcome to my life.

Rando-Thoughts

1. Ever have one of those days where it doesn’t matter how much coffee you drink, how much cold air blasts in your face, how many showers you take or how many jumping jacks you do, you just can’t seem to wake up? This is today.

2. I fail at eye-drops. Since I don’t feel like walking all the way to the bathroom to use the mirror, I re-wet my eyes/contacts at my desk. Unfortunately, my aim in general (with anything) is not the most stellar in the world. The first two drops generally end up rolling down my cheek, missing my eyes completely. The third drop might hit my lashes, giving me a very nice streak of mascara down my face. Finally, drops four and five are a bull’s-eye.

Then I repeat on the other side. SAME EXACT THING HAPPENS.

And there you have it; now I sit at my desk looking as if I just lost my dog and am an emotional mess, when truth be told….I just need better hand to eye coordination.

3. Stomach aches are stupid.

Liquid In Transit

It was a place I had never been before, and now that I had arrived, there was no turning back. The small door opened inward, and the first thing I noticed as I entered was the size. I imagined that if there was a closet underneath a small shelf inside of a loft apartment, that’s the amount of space that was permitted to me to do my business. I would not have messed with it, honestly, but since there were still 45 minutes until we landed at the airport in Ft. Lauderdale, and I had rapidly consumed three alcohol-beverages, no more waiting could happen.

THIS……this is what had to happen.

I was about to use the restroom in an airplane. My pee was to be scattered in the wind, high above the earth, raining down upon the unsuspecting joggers and dog-walkers!! It’s almost poetic.

(I know this isn’t really what happens, but this is how I imagine it happens, so let me have my dreams!)

As I turned around to shut and lock the door, I impassively noticed the “No Smoking” sign directly above the ash tray. A quick thought of “Oh, this plane must be old” crossed my mind, and shortly after “I wonder if older planes crash more easily than newer ones…” This thought came to me completely out of nowhere, and I banished it away as I dropped the trousers and sat to pee.

I’m not afraid of flying—I’ve never had a reason to be. The only thing I don’t like about traveling in an airplane is the lack of foot-room and the fact that the seats are difficult to fall asleep in. Turbulence had never been an issue, since I had never really experienced it…..

Until that very moment….

As soon as I sat down on the pot, the seatbelt light turned on and the pilot’s voice rang out saying that we needed to be seated and brace ourselves for a fuckin’ whirlwind of flight. (I may be paraphrasing a little bit on that.)

“What the hell do I hold onto!??”

Suddenly, I was taking a piss on a roller coaster!! I held onto the wall and searched for the toilet paper so I could escape this crazy, shaky box-room! When I glanced to my left, all I saw were Kleenex! They had to do! I pulled a couple out, wondering how they could NOT provide TP……

But then I saw it….it was BELOW me and to the left…..two glorious rolls of it!!

“YES!!”

As I reached, more turbulence made me lurch forward. My hand hit the toilet paper as my head hit the door, and both of the rolls both came flying off from their holder!

“Shit”

As my entire body was still being flung up and down then side to side, I chased after the rolls along the floor, while still keeping my butt planted on the seat, because I was in no mood to have leftover pee-dribbles creep down my leg. I finally was able to procure one roll and fasten it back to its home. The other became a rogue wanderer of the bathroom floor.

After difficulty (an understatement), I finished THAT business.

Pulling up my pants was a challenge, too….since we were still being jostled about, I kept being slammed into the door while ATTEMPTING to pull up my jeans.

Let’s just say, I ended up half-way falling a couple times before I was able to wash my hands at the world’s tiniest sink! I also fell a couple times while washing my hands.

Airplane Crew, I’m sorry, I ended up flinging water spots all over the mirror…and the walls…and the door…and my FACE.

As soon as I finished and exited the restroom, the plane leveled out and the ride was completely smooth.

ABSOLUTELY FREAKIN’ SERENE!!!!!!

I stood there, puzzled, for just a couple seconds and wondered if that whole thing was the pilot’s version of a joke.

I’m assuming, “YES”.