Tag Archives: Leahwould

Klutz Factor Today: Level 7

Blunders happen.

So does gravity.

Especially when it comes to me.

And, of course, oatmeal has to be involved as well.

It wouldn’t be a typical Monday without me slopping Quaker’s Oatmeal onto my shirt…..and pants…WHILE AT WORK.

Of course, grabbing the nearest thing next to me to clean it up resulted in Kleenex dissolving onto my just-washed, black slacks.

So now there is a light-colored stain right next to the crotch of my pants….and on the boob of my shirt.

Welcome to my life.

Power…Jinxed.

All I really wanted was some morning caffeine.  Just a little bit of energy….Oh! Who am I kidding?? I wanted ALL THE ENERGIES coursing through my veins!!!!  I wanted to be able to SLAM THROUGH WALLS, to TOPPLE DOWN THE ROOFTOPS, to……

Okay–Not really………I had no desire to smash walls or buildings or any other “Hulkish” activities.

My desire, TRULY, was to consume an energy drink…of ANY sort!  Sure, typically I prefer to drink a Monster, but since I had no time today to run  to the store to buy one, I mentally settled on purchasing whatever drink was available in the first floor’s vending machine.  My mind was set…even though I didn’t want to be tempted by all the beautiful junk items downstairs, I had to take that risk….for me….for caffeine…..FOR MANKIND.

I forced Heather to join me in my trek…no one wants to endure a “walk of shame” alone.

The elevator ride down the eleven floors was electric with anticipation; I smiled at what I knew would be coming my way.

One minute later, Heather and I stood before the glorious, food/beverage-giving machines.  I quickly skimmed the rows of drinks, and my hopes began to diminish….I couldn’t see anything but soda, juice, and water.

BUT THEN………..

There it was.  The row on the bottom left held the power.  The drink stood proudly in a shiny, red can with the word, “VENOM” plastered across the front.  The words continued around the can, and all I could see of them was “Death Adde…..”

This….was…THE ONE.  It was death in a can, and I WANTED IT.  I could almost feel the energy flowing through the vending machine glass….

A smile spread across my face as I read the price: $2.25; I had brought $8 with me.  I was FULLY prepared.

I fed the appliance my three dollar bills and pressed the designated Letter/Number combination for the can of joyness.

The arm-like apparatus for retreiving beverages began moving up…..it passed the row with my drink….then it moved back down…passing it again….then it moved up and stopped, as if it was contemplating its life.

“Wait for it…..waaaaait for it……”  I began to drool.

*kerplunk, kerchink, ding, ding, kerching….*

Those are the noises the machine made when it spit $3 of quarters back at me.

“WHAT THE—-??  NO!”

I couldn’t believe it…I WOULDN’T stand for this!  I began to furiously insert the quarters into the machine…25 cents…50…75…1 dollar…1.25…1.50….I smiled as I force-fed the machine….but then….

*kerching*

Puzzled, I tried to insert a different quarter.

**KERCHINK**

I then began rapidly thrusting quarter after quarter into the machine…It only needed three more quarters to reach the desired price….Just…three…more!!!!

**Ching, Ping, Plunk, Plink…**

“WHY WON’T YOU TAKE THE QUARTERS THAT YOU JUST GAVE ME????” I yelled at the machine.

Heather is sitting back in horror, and probably wondering why she agreed to travel downstairs with a crazy person.

I kept INSISTING on trying again and again! 

“It’s jinxed!  It HAS to be!! SOMEONE JINXED this fucking thing!!!”

I press the button for the machine to give my quarters back to me again….and attempt to bribe the thing once more….but TO NO AVAIL.

“It’s right THERE! It’s staring me in the face!  MY SOURCE OF POWER IS TRAPPED IN A GLASS CAGE! Whyyyyyyyyyyy!!????????????”

I resist the urge to bang my head on the glass and then slump down into a pile of defeat.

Retrieving my handful of quarters from the spiteful vending jerk, I turned to leave, my face covered in mortified disappointment and anger.

I could feel the pity from Heather glancing at me, but it gave no consolation.

And now…….

I DO want to smash something!

Today’s Random Thoughts, Non Sequiturs, Etc.

The boss man leaves to acquire some Chipotle.

I stare at my half-eaten grapefruit…and its juice stings my papercut.

THE DAY IS FULL OF INJUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Stabs Grapefruit.*

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I remember the first time I did my own taxes, when I was seventeen.

The manual forms were found at the library.

It was EZ!!!!!  Ha!! Ha ha ha!!!

(Pretty sure I’m the only one laughing at my made-up joke.)

**Crickets Chirp.**

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Someone is coughing incessantly across the room full of cubicles.

They must be eating a grapefruit, too.

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I have an orange bell pepper in my lunchbox today.  I cut it up this morning; half of it gets added to my sandwich, and the other half, I eat on the side.  One of the pieces had some seeds left on it.  I debated on eating it anyways, but then remembered that in OTHER peppers, the seeds are the hottest part! 

So, what if this mild bell pepper had a secret HOT KICK…found…in its evil seeds!!!!!???

I threw the evil seed into the trashcan.

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(20 minutes later)

**Googles Bell Pepper Seeds.**

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A Memory from the Rock Band Days

The band had just finished a fast-paced song, and the dance floor was clearing out as the mood changed to slow and sweet.  (In other words, everyone in the crowd was heading to get a refill on their beer before returning to slow dance in front of us.)  I stood, singing a rock ballad (probably Journey or Bon Jovi), and stared into the crowd.  After years of singing on a stage, I had no nervousness, and could easily watch and/or interact with a crowd while belting out a tune. 

As I glanced to the right of the dance floor in front of me, I noticed a young woman wandering to its edge, tugging her man behind her.  I assumed it was the regular “forcing the man to dance with her” situation.  This was fairly common.  I’ll admit I’ve been guilty of doing this from time to time.  But as I continued into the second verse, I took a closer look at the couple. 

I recognized that the woman was one of the avid dancers from during the previous song, someone who had been jumping around with so much glee(and by ‘glee’, I mean ‘drunkenness’) that she had fallen quite a few times, mid-dance.  A little too many twirls and whirls for her, I suppose.  Again, I’m guilty of this from time to time as well, so there’re no judgments here!  I always enjoyed watching people have a good time to our music.

Then, I took a closer look.  She was remaining poised by the edge of the dance floor with her guy.  I found this odd since she was so happy to dance all over that floor just a few minutes ago, so I decided to pay a little more attention to what was going on.  That is when I noticed her pointing towards the ground while saying something to her man.  My eyes followed where she was pointing (discreetly, of course), and that’s when I saw it. It was like, for a just a moment, in total sloooooow motion……

BEHOLD!! THE CHICKEN CUTLET!!!  (

Men, if you don’t know already, I’m talking about the fake, rubber boobs that some women put into their bras to amplify their cleavage.  Spoiler alert!!!)

It’s a good thing my mouth was ALREADY agape at this point, because if it hadn’t been, my jaw probably would have dropped at that point.  Apparently, while dancing previously, the fake, rubber bra-stuffer had come right out of her shirt!  Not only was it sitting there on the dance floor, but she was not even willing to retrieve it!  She commanded her man do it. 

And YES….he did.  He fetched it and brought it back to her…..back to it’s home…next to her boob.

IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME NOT TO BURST INTO LAUGHTER, MID-SONG!!!

I managed to keep my composure.  Don’t ask me how, I haven’t a clue!! 

To this day, that band-days memory gives me grins. :)

A Typical H & L Conversation

You probably know Heather as my only guest blogger on here thus far.  She and I, as I’ve mentioned, have very similar thinking patterns.  So, a typical conversation for us goes a little like what you will read below, which was an actual convo we had today.  It’s mostly quoted, though a few parts are slightly paraphrased.

Also, Heather, I love you…thank you for allowing me to share our craziness on the internets…where EVERYONE can see it.  (Regretful yet?  Too bad! *grin*)

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Heather: I’m back down to ***lbs, and that’s after repeatedly eating candy for dinner!  Universe is throwing me SERIOUS BONES this week.

Me:  SO I SHOULD JUST EAT CANDY FOR DINNER!!?????  I think the Universe took your extra lbs and stuck them on me instead.

Heather:  YES, THAT’S THE SECRET….eat candy…and hoard things.  The weight will MELT OFF!!  LIKE THE CHOCOLATE ALL OVER YOUR FACE AND HANDS!! 

Me: Baaaahaha!! I love that visual.

Heather: Me too.  Partially because eating that much chocolate would make meh pret-tay happeh.

Me:  You’re talking to a girl who’s eaten three of those mini Snickers bars today….and who is now eyeing the candy dish……..AGAIN.  (Yes, I ate two or three more candy bars after this….because I need to ‘lose weight’. *wink*)

Heather: I’ve been soothing my soul with whoppers (at home) and Jolly Ranchers (here). 

(Let me clarify that Heather is NOT talking about giant hamburgers, but rather, the small malt ball candies….just in case you were confused.  If it were me, I probably WOULD be talking about the burgers…because malt balls are gross, awful creations.)

Me: And I’ve been satisfying mine with Snickers (here) and Doritos (at home)…….

………..

………..(pause for reluctant confession)…….

………And Twix. (here and home)

Also, I found that carrots are bearable again…….IF YOU CHASE THEM WITH A SNICKERS!!!!!! EVERYWHERE.

(Something was said about having hummus for carrots and forgetting hummus exists and yadda yadda…)

Heather: This basil and chive hummus (pretty unique) tastes like sunshine and rainbows!

Me: I’ve always wondered what those taste like!! Please tell me they also taste as if they’re laced with glitter!!!

Heather: They taste like filthy leprechauns.

Me:  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                 Thank you for that…thank you for my SPITTING WATER ONTO MY KEYBOARD out of laughter!! That f*cker needed a cleaning anyways….it was full of Snickers crumbs, I’m pretty sure…

Heather:  Ha! I turned my keyboard upside down a couple weeks ago and used the canned air……gross.  I could’ve made a second meal out of what came out.  (Was that too gross of a visual?  Probably.)

Me: At least it would have likely been a high-protein, high-fiber meal….complete with a topping of skin flakes…or SCURF, so I’m told!  Did you ever hear that term?? I bet you have.  Beth shared it with me.  She HATES the word.  I should Instant message it to her now.  I think I will……

(I most assuredly did……..she said it was a “low, low blow”. Hee hee…)

Have a Happy Tuesday, Ya’ll!!

A Limit Reached

Today, I reached the maximum capacity for banana intake.

For a really long time, I would only eat, on average, one banana per YEAR.  I am a HUGE texture person when it comes to eating, and eating something that has the same texture as what I imagine shit would have does NOT sound appealing.  (My GAWD…it’s the similar shape of poo, too!!!  Also, you’re welcome for THAT visual. Ha!)

Still, I know that it’s a quite regular fruit to eat for most, and my once-a-year eating would only happen, surely, because my body was telling me that I needed potassium or else MY MUSCLES WOULD CRAMP INTO OBLIVION!!!!

But, for the past few weeks, I discovered that I WAS actually able to stand eating bananas again, just like I’m sure I did when I was a one year old with no choices but mushy food.  Plus, it was an easy breakfast to grab that has protein.  Win-win? 

Not this morning.

This morning would have been my third day in a row to eat a banana for breakfast this week.

I took my first bite….”Why does this taste….different?…”

I took my second bite….”No…it tastes the same, but………………….

 

the……………………….

 

texture…..”

**BLARGH!!!**

On my third bite, I began to literally gag on the banana!  (Go ahead….Insert innuendo/joke here….I know you want to!) ;P

I spit that fruit-crap back out and into the trash, then threw the remaining banana in with it!  Not only did I THROW the offending food into the trash, I fucking PITCHED it in there!!   Batter up, Trash can!!! 

So my threshold was reached.  It took a total of 8-10 bananas in three weeks, but at least now I know.

Maybe I’ll try bananas again….next year.

How Am I Married?

Sometimes, I am amazed at how ANYONE can put up with my peculiar self, let alone be MARRIED to me.

The other day, while driving and talking to Shannon on the phone, I saw a blimp in the sky.  Shannon then became the brunt of my somewhat one-sided phone conversation that went something like this (spoken at roughly 100mph):

Me: I’m pretty sure I see a blimp in the sky!!  Maybe it’s just a balloon.  You know how they use those big balloons for car dealerships?  Nah..no way! It’s too far up there!  That couldn’t be a regular balloon.  It’s GOT to be a blimp!

Shannon: Oh….?

Me: It IS! That’s a blimp!  It’s the MetLife blimp!  I wonder if they give people rides!  I want a blimp!  We could ride in a blimp and then skydive from it.  No…wait…it’s not high enough for sky diving….WE COULD BUNGEE JUMP!! Perfect!! Do you think they give bungee jump rides in blimps!?? Surely not the MetLife blimp.  That’s life insurance, right?  I doubt a life insurance company would endorse bungee jumping.

Shannon: What?

Me:  BUNGEE JUMPING!! I wonder what it costs to rent a blimp.  Think anyone rents them?  We should have a blimp party!  There can be lights and giant speakers and loud music.  A dance party in a blimp!!  Think it’s big enough?? They should definitely rent out blimps for dance parties!! I wonder how many people could fit in a blimp…A party blimp would certainly be bigger than a regular blimp.  It’d by like a party bus….that FLOATS!!

WHERE CAN WE RENT A FLOATING PARTY BLIMP???

Shannon: Uh…..

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Shannon and I recently discussed the fact that his suitcase is now missing a wheel…not long after, this text conversation happened:

Shannon: I just smelled my arm pits, and they stink.

Leah: Hahaha!  Why aren’t you wearing deodorant?

Shannon: I am.

Leah: Must’ve worn off.  It may be your suitcase wheel took it.  They ran off together. 

Shannon: LOL Yup

Leah: It’s better this way.  You may be stinky, but they’re happy now.

Shannon: Sacrifices

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Now is the moment that Shan realizes he could, at any second, become the victim of my blog.